The Bachelor Episode 5 Review: Is Tierra Licausi the New Courtney Robertson?

Nah, she doesn't look crazy at all.

I’m not really going to go start to finish and review The Bachelor like most sites. For one, I just flat-out don’t have the time and energy to fully submerse my being into what figures to be at least 33 minutes of exact name research to nail down the people, dates, and all the information needed to get you a nice, cut Reader’s Digest issue of what happened last night.

You saw it, I saw it, and now we’re here to mourn the two hours we lost on Monday night, while also excitedly preparing for Tuesday night’s special rebuttal episode, with noose and preferably a sharp red wine in hand. Either hand, I don’t give a shit.

First things first: That Tierra Licausi chick – she’s a crazy bitch. Sure, our pals at the Bach’ know how to work a story and the cameras, and her ridiculous cackling after the last black girl is sent home (yeah, I said it) is probably overdone just a scorch. But that doesn’t mean she hasn’t lost her marbles. I think we all have every reason to think that she’s a manipulative sociopath on the scale of one seemingly untouchable Courtney Robertson, and whether or not she actually digs boring Sean, it’s getting increasingly more obvious that she takes more joy in seeing other girls go than her actually getting to stay.

Here’s the tough part for me. It’s got to be just an insurmountable task to find a crazier chick that what Robertson was last season, right? Well, I think ABC found one. She’s not a model or as fit, but she’s got an imprint of what looks like a lego in her forehead. Combine that with her Big Foot jaw and it’s impossible for Sean to look past her, right?

Ah, but all of that’s not enough. She also has to be an emotional train wreck that steals Sean whenever he’s with another girl, sneaks up on a group date like a major creeper when she’s already been guaranteed a two-on-one sit down, and squeeze the emotion out of the even dullest moments.

Her crazy meter had me at the fall down the stairs:

She broke all her bones but she was OK.

It was bullshit from the word go, and assuming she’s the shaky lady in the trailer for the next Bachelor episode (it has to be her, right?), then I’m going out on a limb and saying she’s reeaaallly close to taking it one step too far.

But that’s from my perspective, in my house, chained to the couch as I watch the show with my wife.

Shawn, on the other hand, sees her ever so buttery batch of crazy as bullshit “I know what you’re going through, I’ve been there” stress and emotion. Just like Ben Flajnik before him, Shawn is caught up in a woman’s infatuation in him, as well as his own in her. Personally, I don’t see it. Tierra Licausi is basically a rounder, more annoying Courtney, and there just isn’t much upside.

In that same breath, I can’t decide if it’s Tierra or the whiney chicks who go and semi-complain about her to Shawn that I hate more.

“Sean, some of these bitches be crazy. But I can’t tell you which one or why or when. I can’t take it. But I can’t tell you what I can’t take, or why I feel a certain way or when I feel that way. All I can say is that this is a dating show, I’m a girl, and I’m bat shit crazy” – Every damn girl on the show

But as much as I’ve had to complain about, I guess it’s at least making this show worth watching again. Because before Tierra Licausi emerged as the new Crazy, this installment of The Bachelor was severely lacking when it comes to a story-line.

She HATES drama.

The Bachelor 2013: Who is the Next Bachelor?

The Bachelor

Not this fucking guy.

And you thought Ben Flajnik was a bore fest. It appears the rumors swirling for months are true, and 2012 Bachelorette loser Sean Lowe is looking to be the 2013 Bachelor.

I know he comes off as a nice guy and his family was pretty low-key and accepting during Emily’s season, but am I the only one that finds him incredibly boring?

Probably, since ABC is bringing him in as their next dude to date 20 odd chicks to see if one is good enough to pretend to want to marry until breaking up with her a week after the finale airs.

I’m not excited about Lowe being the guy, but I won’t lie and say I’m not going to watch. The female contestants always make it interesting and my wife beats me if I don’t watch.

If it means anything, my pick would be that Mike guy who won Bachelor Pad. I thought it was awesome how he kept the entire $250,000. Pretty damn cruel, but also insanely awesome. And we all thought he was just muscles. That’s what The Bachelor really needs. An honest muscle guy and common nothing man who isn’t afraid to look like a real schmuck. You’ll know if the girls truly like you or not if they can look past that. That, or they’re really into getting their hands on some of that fat $250k coin. Probably the latter.

Bachelor Episode 6 Crazy of the Week | Scrapbooking vs. Kissing Coach

Bachelor 16

Close, but no cigar.

It took me until about the final 30 minutes of this one, but I finally found this week’s Crazy of the Week. Blakely Shea initially won the trophy by getting real sentimental with Ben in their one-on-one time during their two-on-one date.

They could have talked about past relationships, Blakeley’s boobs, Ben’s mounting sweat, or you know, anything. Instead Blakeley thought it’d be best to share her not-crazy-at-all scrap-book she made about her and Ben.

The scrap-book included words and names and all sorts of heart-felt images. Unfortunately, ABC took the high road on this one, and we really only saw it’s contents for about 20 seconds at a time. Ben’s face during the unveiling probably said it all, but one has to wonder just how long into this experience Flajnik got before he thought, “…and…you’re going home...”.

Indeed, Shea was the first to bite the dust, as Ben chose the blonde with less endowment (Rachel Trueheart). Call me crazy, but I get the feeling Blakeley’s ultimate demise had something to do with burying her and Ben’s faces in a FUCKING. SCRAPBOOK.

But I digress.

Because as out of this world crazy as dumping a scrapbook about love, mush, and a bright future with a dude you basically have known for a couple of weeks truly is, episode 6 wasn’t about to stop there.

I could toss in Casey Shteamer‘s tear-filled exit where she got (wait for it) Shteam-rolled by Chris Harrison calling her out on still being in love with her ex (or current?) boyfriend back home…but as much of a bitch as I originally thought she was, I actually felt kind of bad for her. She just wants love, man. She just wants love.

That brings us to the kissing coach, Jamie Otis, who brought awkward to a whole new jaw-dropping, hard-as-hell-to-watch level. A level, mind you, we have not yet seen on this show, and if I dare say so myself, that’s one hell of a feat to top – let alone match.

But ya did it, Otis. And you did it well.

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She's leaning in for a smooch.

Actually, it was done horribly, as Jamie forced the issue regarding her and Ben’s lack of chemistry, as she told Ben she thought of “what she’d like to do” to or with him before she went to bed at night.

I genuinely think Flajnik was reeled in at this point, and saw a new side of Jamie. He would have started to open up, and maybe there could have been something there. But that was before Jamie hit the sanity wall and crashed through with a sad display of some of the sorriest seduction tactics you have ever seen. Pornstars were blushing at the cheesiness of this girl.

First came the lap straddle, which almost ripped Jamie’s dress, let alone could have had her or Ben falling over. Then came the lip assault, which Ben clearly wasn’t ready for.

But the words, the lap mess, and the initial kiss were just buttering us all up for what would end up being our true Crazy of the Week moment. Or moments.

Poor Jamie was prepping us for something we really never thought could happen – an apparent kissing tutorial from a shy, awkward girl who quite possibly has not had a lot of experience in the field.

It went something like this:

We’re going to kiss now. Let’s do closed mouth first. Close, close your mouth. And press your lips together slightly. And gently. Now firm. Now both at the same time. And now against my lips, but right before they touch, smile a little bit so my lips accidentally touch your teeth. Then put the tip of your tongue on my lip, slide it in to touch my front teeth, then back up for a second to pause the kissing to allow the awkward laughter to help us transition to the open mouth kiss. Now when I come in with my mouth open, make sure your mouth is totally closed, to avoid actually completing the open mouth kiss. Better yet, when I go in with my mouth open, right when I see yours is also open, I’ll laugh and close my mouth so you accidentally swallow my tiny little bird lip kiss. Then we’ll rock back and forth in embarrassment and I’ll fall into your shoulder two or three times before we admit that this is the worst kissing attempt or tutorial known to man.

An exaggeration, yes, but only slightly. Check out the video if you missed it. It’s a keeper:

Bachelor Crazy of the Week, Episode 5 | It’s Courtney Robertson Again

Bachelor 16

Skinny dipping is for bitches.

Don’t act like you’re shocked. Believe me, I’m not so biased that I didn’t consider Blakely and a couple others, but ultimately, I just don’t see a single girl from episode five that takes the cake out of our favorite Bachelor 16 cake-eater; Courtney Robertson.

She seems to graduate from a new level of filth each week. Last week it was her sickening manipulation that vaulted her above the rest. This week it’s manipulation + being a douche + being a slut.

She talked golden boy Ben Flajnik into baring all and going skinny dipping in the ocean off the shore of Puerto Rico. And God knows what happened after they were in the water.

I surely don’t want to know.

I had all I could handle just to stomach through the blurred parts, to which I genuinely thank ABC for being a “family” network and keeping us from seeing Courtney (or Ben, for that matter) in the nude.

On top of her disgusting skinny dipping scene (and we’ll put extra emphasis on ‘skinny’), she proceeded to pile on the psycho aspect of her personality, when she made a wish for another girl to be eliminated.

But the WORST part was what prefaced the skinny dipping, when Courtney was creepily waiting on the steps across from Ben’s door.

Add breaking the rules and being a major creeper to her growing list of flaws.

I just cannot stand this girl. If she wins this show…if Ben actually goes all the way and picks her as the winner…I just don’t know if I’ll be able to trust The Bachelor anymore.

I mean, it’s already on shaky ground. Ali and Roberto. I mean, come on. Jake and Vienna. Let’s get real. Ashley and J.P. Seriously…

I cannot take another one of these doucher crazy balls bouncing all the way to the end and getting the damn ring.

Courtney Robertson is a complulsive manipulator who is out to win the game. She is boring. She is one of the ugliest models I’ve ever seen.

She. Looks. Like. Russell. Brand.

How is this happening? How is she still on a friggin’ DATING show where a dude is trying to find his wife? How?

Let’s see here….if you can bare with me…Courtney Robertson is…

- a total bitch

- boring

- one of the ugliest models we’ve ever seen

- oily

- conniving

- manipulative

- russell brand’s twin

- way too skinny

- evil

- creepy

- a cheater

I mean, do I have to go on?

I used to have hope that her evil ways would die down eventually, especially when she was so much in Ben’s favor that no one else was that much of a threat.

But that’s how we know her psychosis has taken on a mind of it’s own. When she herself admits routinely that she has nothing to worry about, that the other girls don’t know how to get it done, and that she’s “winning”.

But then she still flails around this SHIT.

Yes, Courtney is totally cool, calm, and collected, everyone. She’s a model, hot, and super, super interesting.

That’s why she has to tear down the other girls, steal Ben away when others are talking to him one-on-one, literally manipulate Ben into “reassuring her” with a rose before the rose ceremony, and coaxing him into the ocean with her scrawny, naked body.

Oh, and creepily waits by his door with wine and just a robe as if she’s so much the shit that it couldn’t in any way come off as horribly desperate and clingy.

Yeah, she’s got it all figured out.

Dude, Ben Flajnik is Kind of a Dick

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His face after I called him a dick.

I don’t mean to step on Bachelor toes, but is anyone else seeing a little bit of douche pour on out of our boy, Ben Flajnik?

Don’t get me wrong, the brutal honesty he displayed a the conclusion of the Bachelorette and continued on into the 16th season of The Bachelor is accepted. Hell, it’s appreciated.

From opening up about his dad and whatever is “near and dear to his heart”, to sitting Samantha down a couple episodes and shipping her off because “he didn’t feel it”, you have to respect how the guy doesn’t waste his or anyone else’s time.

But when Emily O’Brien tried for the second time to shows Flajnik how huge of a psychopath his model crush Courtney Robertson is, he simply wouldn’t have it – for the second time.

The first time O’Brien spoke up about Robertson, Ben merely said to watch what she says about other people, or it could “lead to her demise”. This time, he upped the ante.

O’Brien opened their brief one-on-one session together by saying she wanted to focus just on her and Ben, and wouldn’t talk about Courtney anymore. That lasted about five seconds, as she once again opened up about Courtney’s craziness around the girls when she is away from Ben.

Granted, I can see how Ben would be annoyed by Emily talking shit like this, but I think we can all agree Emily isn’t being a desperate douche. She’s simply calling it likes she sees it.

And while we can respect Ben’s defense for Courtney to an extent, his cold words to Emily were not just uncalled for, but they also might have been a little eye-opening.

The phrases “Drop it” and “Tread lightly” come to mind, as Ben was cold and direct when countering Emily’s claims.

I don’t even think I’m trying to be funny in this post, folks. Ben went from likable dude who was honest and genuine, to total model monger with a hatred for the unbridled truth.

He simply does not want to hear that Courtney’s shit stinks.

The trailer for the coming episodes alludes to Ben at least opening up to the possibility that Courtney isn’t perfect, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

Bachelor Episode 4 Crazy of the Week | Courtney Robertson

The Bachelor

Oh, I can TOTALLY see how she's a model...

Generally I like to choose someone who really loses their shit on The Bachelor, whether it’s rambling about absolute nonsense, losing their mind in complete hysterics, over-analyzing everything, or getting themselves lost in a deep, dark tunnel of insanity.

And to be honest, The Bachelor rarely disappoints. But episode 4 brought us a whole new brand of crazy, as the ever-present Courtney Robertson unleashed full-blown bitch mode WHILE also putting her man-manipulating skills and ability to break other people down in an instant on full display.

And while she wasn’t a big hot mess, crying and sobbing herself to sleep with a wine glass in hand, she did hold a wine glass pretty much the entire night, and she did qualify for our Crazy of the Week.

Courtney has been no stranger to sny remarks, cold taunts, and rubbing roses in the other girls’ faces. But she took it to a whole new level this week when she told the camera she was going to “get a rose”, and then proceeded to literally manipulate Ben into giving her a rose that he admitted was going to go to someone else.

Here’s a quick glimpse of what you would have seen in episode 4. Some of her quotes are just perfect:

I know what you’re thinking – sooner or later you’re going to run out of “crazies” to pick from, as the further this thing goes, our buddy Ben Flajnik will weed out the weakies and keep the smart, beautiful, classy, and well, un-crazy ladies around.

But I’m not so sure.

Ben appears to be head over heels over this whack job, and even when Emily O’Brien tried to tell him straight up (cue Paula Abdul music now) that Courtney is “different around other people than she is around Ben”, he merely tells her talking badly about someone else could ultimately “lead to her own demise”.

Translation: You be trippin’. Don’t tell me the model is a bitch when I totally want her more than anyone else on this show, even though she looks like Russell Brand, talks like an ant eater, is pure evil, conniving, and has broader shoulders than Sylvester Stallone. I like you, we had a great date and conquered the bridge, but you’re just one of my “toppies”. You’ll make it far, but you can’t. touch. the. model. She is sublime and I won’t be convinced otherwise. Don’t fuck this up for me.

Boom. Nailed it.

So, in a sense, Flajnik almost wins joint-crazy of the week, simply because he completely ignored Emily’s cries for sanity – and also the fact that he somehow gets through dates with Courtney, you know, AT ALL.

She is boring as hell. She is Skeletor meets Kate Moss meets Russell Brand meets Richard Simmons meets Vienna (another favorite Bachelor douche)….meets Randy Newman. But I doubt she can play piano.

To sum it up, this is week one of Courtney Robertson raising the Crazy of the Week trophy high above her oblong head, and I do fear that it will not be the last. But dear God, I hope I’m wrong.

Bachelor 16 Drinking Game | Episode 4

Bachelor 16

Wine is Ben's drink of choice, naturally.

The fourth episode of Bachelor Season 16 is upon us, as Ben Flajnik continues his journey for his wife through a sea of dental hygienists and sales associates.

The good thing is that he already cut a ton of drama and uglies with the three-fold dumping of Shawntel Newton, Erika Uhlig, and Jaclyn Swartz. As depressing as they all were last week and just in general, I find it equally depressing that I remember all three of their names without leaning on tape or past articles. That’s how far my anti-obsession with this show has gone.

However, as eye-opening as my new knowledge is, the best part truly is the fact that you can get drunk and laugh even harder at this show with our new Bachelor Drinking Games. Last week I begged you all to join me in taking a shot or a chug of your favorite brew every time Ben used his coined phrase, “Near and dear to my heart”.

To all of our dismay, he didn’t say the catch phrase ONCE in episode three, after saying it numerous times through the first two weeks. But I’m not giving up.

I encourage you – the boyfriend trying to earn brownie points, the husband with no spine, the friend with nothing better to do – to grab your favorite drink, and have at it again.

This time, we’re not putting all of our eggs in one basket, though. We’ll add one more key phrase to the lot, and see if we can’t pass out on the couch before our lady friend turns on a recorded copy (or seven) of Real Housewives or (cross your ingers) Say Yes to the Dress.

At least it wouldn’t be Gold Rush, right?

But I digress. Obviously we’re rolling with Ben’s favorite line “Near and dear to my heart” this week. Every time he says said phrase, you drink. And then you cross your fingers that he says it again. And again. And again.

And the other phrase to watch for (drumroll)…

Is any phrase involving “the right reasons“. So many of these girls wine and gossip about being there “for Ben” and “for the right reasons”, while complaining that others girls aren’t.

So, sit on the edge of your seat and watch for these phrases. Just make sure you have a drink ready to roll with.

Oh, and while you’re watching, try not thinking of Russell Brand every time you see that Courtney chick. Just think of her with a beard. Now ya got it…

Bachelor 16 Episode 3 Crazy of the Week | The Fainter

The Bachelor

Ring a Round the Rosy...

We said a sorry good-bye to our favorite Bachelor “crazy” last week when The Over Analyst, Jenna Burke, was cut from the show.

But a whole new breed of crazy was born in episode three, when Erika “Fainty” Uhlig goes all comatose on us as Ben is preparing to hand out the final rose. It comes down to Fainty, Melty Butter Face (Jaclyn Swartz), and the girl who came in and wrecked everyone’s shit – Shawntel Newton.

So, one rose to rule them all, and Erika can’t handle her shit. Shawntel is nervous, but outwardly seems pretty calm, while Jaclyn is just really letting the butter drip during this one. The intensity is too much for even the casual observer, but it’s really too much for Erika, who starts her one-foot-two-foot-one-foot-two-foot slow-stepped journey into crazy-ville almost immediately after Ben Flajnik starts talking.

You get to see her really hit a wall when Monica get selected, and the writing is on the wall.

Ohhhhh shit. It starts at 5:22, folks. The sadness enters…and, well, just watch from there. Also, hit some nice key times noted below.

(Get a load of Russell Brand at 3:06)

(4:38 marks the new Scale System we now love)

The best part is actually when Ben guides “Fainty” out of the room and into the bedroom to rest while he and the girls do a toast to the next episode. The room where fainty is in while this is happening is literally three feet away from the toast in progress. Just awesome.

All in all, Erika may not be “crazy” but considering it was just episode three and she barely knew Benjia, we’ll call her fainting/passing out a slight over-reaction.

The Bachelor’s Courtney Robertson Looks Like Russell Brand

Bachelor 16

It's all in the eyes, really.

Obviously it’s just a joke, but with Russell Brand and Katy Perry no longer an item, it wouldn’t be completely off base for the brit star to try going after a new “partner” this early, would it?

I didn’t think so, either. While there’s no way Russell Brand and Bachelor 16 “model” Courtney Robertson are the same person or even the same sex, the similarities are striking.

Here’s a picture of the girl in question, Courtney. See if you don’t see what we’re seeing:

Russell Brand look a like

The female Russell Brand, folks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Think we nailed it or are way off base? Comment below. Got another Bachelor 16 look-a-like? Let us know!

Ben’s Kiss Can Save the World

Bachelor 16

His kiss shall only be used for good...

Ben Flajnik is magical. He’s dreamy. He’s genuine. He is, if you choose to believe it, a real-life damn super hero.

Truth be told, Ben was on a date with Emily O’Brien, which ended up being a nerving jaunt up a bridge. Naturally, Emily was deathly afraid of heights – as was Ben, supposedly – and the two struggled to get to the top.

Editor’s note: the camera angles alone told just about everyone viewing that this climb was no easy task. I almost shat my pants just watching.

But really, it looked pretty frightening and understandably, it looked as though Emily’s dreamy date with Ben would end in embarrassment. But, as Ben put it, with Emily scared out of her mind and the two of them stuck in the middle of the bridge, he did all he could, and kissed her.

From that kiss on, Emily was empowered with the strength of a thousand men, had a whole different kind of “butterflies” and never looked back as she triumphed over the climb to the very tippy top of the bridge. It’s this awesome power of Ben’s kiss that had us thinking: if Ben’s kiss can eliminate a woman’s fear of heights and make her completely forget about the possibility of a certain death-plunge into the water below (or the sea of cars. that, too, would suck.), then what can’t Ben’s kiss do?

Here’s a quick list of some things we have a feeling Ben could solve with just one kiss:

Ben’s kiss could stop another bad Nicolas Cage movie from happening.

Ben’s kiss could add another 13 days to a Kim Kardashian marriage.

Ben’s kiss could make Clay Aiken hot and straight. Possibly still gay, though, too.

Ben’s kiss could make LeBron James clutch in the 4th quarter.

Ben’s kiss could make Nickelback an actually good band.

Ben’s kiss could make Sarah Palin smart.

Ben’s kiss could make Tim Tebow an accurate NFL quarterback.

What else, pray tell, could Ben’s kiss do? The possibilities are endless.