So, IMDb Apparently Hates The Bachelor More Than You Do

Chris Harrison gives none of the fucks.

The extremely and excruciatingly low ratings IMDb keeps giving the The Bachelor has always been a bit of a mystery. With a show spanning almost 20 seasons, has aired for more than a decade and STILL has steady ratings and a viewership between 8-9 million, it doesn’t make any sense that IMDb ratings for the Bachelor brand ranges between 2-4 stars.

So, why are the ratings so low? Well, firstly, you need to understand what IMDb is and how it works. IMDb is a site that rates movies and TV programs. Currently it is the number one choice GLOBALLY to get your movie and TV reviews from. IMDb works on a system where all members (membership is free; you just have to register) can give their personal vote/review in the form of stars – one being the worst and ten being the best. And in the words of IMDb themselves: “We take all individual votes cast…the rating displayed on a film’s page is a weighted average.”

That generally makes good sense. Plus it’s a very fair system; by the people for the people, right? Not quite. This is where things get weird. That “weighted average” that sounded so great a minute ago, is not what you think at all. In fact, no-one knows what it actually means! When IMDb was asked to define “weighted average”, their response was: “A weighted average means that some votes have more weight than others in our calculations.”

What IMDb is basically saying is that some of their member’s opinions matter more than others! How is this hierarchy decided and how is it managed? Once again, IMDb is avoiding real answers and simply takes in a very defensive stance. The one thing IMDb didn’t count on is the fact that not everyone is total idiot.  I mean, logically, if the 8-9 million Bachelor viewers all voted and all their votes counted equally as much as any other, the rating would be much higher.

So, naturally, someone had the guts to query the system: “I made my own calculations and the rating for movie or show XYZ should be 7.7, not 4.3! What gives?” Their response was very mature and straightforward. In fact, the answer was so transparent that we now all understand the way IMDb’s ratings work… Or not. “We do not disclose our rating/weighting scheme so you can’t possibly know what the weighted rating should be. Please remember that the rating is weighted – it’s not the arithmetic mean value of the votes.”

All I’m hearing is “blah-blah-blah, our system makes no mathematical sense, has no rhyme or reason and is very subjective – you cannot trust our opinion”. So, what’s the real reason for Bachelor’s low ratings? Only IMDb knows, and they’re not telling.

That, or Chris Soules really brought this ship down.

Ben Higgins and the Most Boring Bachelors Ever

It's a whole new type of suck!

Sean Lowe, eat your heart out. Ben Higgins has been named the 20th The Bachelor and we’re all fidgeting in our seats anticipating the boredom that lies ahead.

He actually even received the following advice on live television: “Don’t be as boring as Chris Soules and just don’t be Juan Pablo.”

Tall. Order.

Let’s hope he takes the advice to heart, because I think we can all agree that Juan Pablo is the worst Bachelor of all time and that there have been more than a few Bachelors that’s summa cum lauded their in Boring degree. Let’s take a quick look at those who made us catch the most z’s:

Charlie O’Connell, Season 7

His brother is famous!

This is probably the most ironic name on this list. As the brother of a famous actor and a self-professed struggling actor, no-one would have guessed that we would struggle to stay awake during this hunk of boring’s search for love. It seemed that not even Charlie himself could deal with it all and had to keep things interesting by…well…constantly drinking. Apparently the drinking was also why the relationship between him and his final rose, Sarah Brice, eventually ended.

Andy Baldwin, Season 10

Not to be confused as any of the entertaining Baldwin brothers! The only perk about this Bachelor was the amount of time he had to spend in uniform on the show. The rest of the time we were all trying our best not to doze off before the rose ceremony. With Andy’s history it’s not hard to see why this season took a big nose-dive off a cliff. He grew up in Amish country, was a valedictorian student, enrolled in the navy and then graduated as a naval doctor that later won a humanitarian award. If you think this sound a bit like a prince that just stepped out of a Disney movie, you’re not wrong. But its worth mentioning that no-one watched Cinderella for Prince Eric.

Jake Pavelka, Season 14

Where do we begin with Jake Pavelka? At first he was a Bachelor fan favorite (everything nice, with sugar and spice) and then he turned into this crazy narcissist that couldn’t even change someone’s opinion about him on the show, H8R. Subsequently he had a little toddler tantrum about that as well. The worst quote he received during his stint as the Bachelor was that “it would be more exciting watching paint dry”. Maybe if he was his narcissistic self, the season would have been more entertaining.

Chris Soules, Season 19

And the winner as the ultimate boring Bachelor is Chris Soules! Or as people around the globe now refer to him; “the boring farmer”.

He's got nothing to say.

Some hardcore Chris fans are defending his dreariness by saying that Chris isn’t boring; he just got overwhelmed by the crazy and chaotic behavior of the women. Well, the sad fact is Chris; people would’ve stopped tuning in a loooooong time ago if it wasn’t for the crazy and chaotic behavior of the women. The most sensation we got out of this season was what happened during the break-up (a mere two months after the cameras were switched off).

The 5 Most Scandalous Bachelor Moments of All Time

Happily Ever...oh, right.

There’s a reason why we keep tuning into The Bachelor even after 19 seasons. Not only are we gripped by all the girls competing for their happily-ever-after, but we keep watching due to the fact that the show is constantly riddled with drama and surprises that not even the producers could’ve predicted.

For more than a decade we have followed the journey of various Bachelors and Bachelorettes and they have all had their own unique and unexpected twists, but there are a few of these scandalous moments that definitely outrank some of the others. We have gathered the 5 most scandalous Bachelor moments of all time!

The Melissa vs. Molly Saga

Who could ever forget this historic Bachelor moment?! We all sat shocked as we watched Jason dump Melissa on live television, and then continue with a declaration of love to Molly, asking her to give him another chance. Even after all these years’ people are still struggling to make peace with it; why would Molly take him back?! And how do you justify them being one of the few lasting Bachelor marriages?!


When you go onto reality TV declaring that you are there in search of the love of your life, it’s only natural to spend as much time as possible…alone…in the dark… with one of the producers of the show – right? Yes, Chris Harrison also didn’t buy that, and Rozlyn (as well as her producer “friend”) was sent packing. The only thing more ridiculous than what happened is that she still denies the affair to this day! Pssst, Rozlyn! Reality TV means cameras everywhere.

The Fantasy Suite Nickname

We all know that one of the unspoken rules of the Bachelor is that what happens in the Fantasy Suite stays in the Fantasy Suite. Unfortunately for Ed, Jillian didn’t adhere to this code. She wouldn’t go into details of what happened behind those closed doors, but lovingly gave him the nickname E.D. Now no one can say his name without thinking about his “out-of-order-tools”.

Brad rejected BOTH

Brad is probably one of the most loved Bachelors as well as the Bachelor who has received the most airtime and opportunities to find love without ANY success. We still can’t figure out if he simply has really bad luck or if the guy is just too picky when not even the two final ladies (he chose!) made the Brad cut.

Jake & Vienna

Imagine you saw your best friends last week and they were the happiest couple you knew. Now imagine a week later and they are getting a divorce and can’t even be in the same room with one another without friends and family having to restrain them.


This is pretty much how millions of viewers felt as they stared incredulously at their TV screens, whilst sweet Jake turned into an aggressive and verbally abusive douchebag and Vienna was reduced to an apocalyptic meltdown case…on live TV.

Oh No, Nick and Samantha Aren’t Gonna Make It

Samantha and Nick weren't a match? Seriously?

Who even gives any of the shits. Yeah, it was a mild surprise that Samantha Steffern and Nick Peterson stuck with each other at the end of last season’s Bachelor in Paradise, but it really felt like it was just the two of them saving face.

Like, they huddled together before filming wrapped up and were like, “People seem to think we’re pretty shitty and in this for all the wrong reasons. Let’s pretend to actually like each other”.

Consider us fooled. Or we didn’t care at all to begin with. Or most of us didn’t believe you.

And now you’re not together and we care even less. This, coming from the girl who told like five guys she was coming on the show for her, told Joe to do “whatever it takes” to get a rose, then spurned Joe and was extremely touch and go throughout the show.

Congrats, Sam, ya stayed on the island. You’re really good at lying and stuff.

And Nick is the guy who burned his partner for all of the monies back on the final Bachelor Pad, you know, when there was something tangible about this show LIKE FREAKING MONEY.

Regardless of what you believe, it does SEEM like these two were together to some degree after the show, but now they’re not. And nothing has changed, really.

Holy Shit, Bachelor Rant is Still a Site and Kirk Sucks

Voted least likely to be named next Bachelor.

I thought for sure this website would crater into oblivion with the long list of sites my brother and I have built and left for dead over the years. But this one is here, standing ever so gingerly on its one good leg.

Who knows how long it will last, but I’m back for at least this post, that’s for sure. Mostly to inform you that I’m shocked this website is still up and about the same amount of surprised that The Bachelor is still a thing.

When we last left you Sean Lowe was The Bachelor and we ran out of interesting observations to throw up all over the inter webs. Then came some more Bachelors and Bachelorettes and truth be told, we just stopped watching when that sleazy Juan Pablo got his own show. Cuz, geez.

We did start up again in this past season’s Bachelors in Paradise, though, and really, there was an insane amount of material to work with. Color me lazy, but I just didn’t put my feelings into type.

And instead of re-hashing that entire show while its no longer relevant in any way, I’ll leave you with this: Kirk Dewindt was a total dick. He knows it, you know it, Carly sure as hell knows it.

But I don’t even mean to be “calling him out” necessarily. What he did is what tons of guys do. He liked the girl, he got comfortable, and then PLANS happened. I don’t doubt for a second that Kirk genuinely, 100% was into Carly. I would bet he was even right there with Carly when she started talking about kids and shit.

But reality can be a real summa bitch. Kirk had an awakening near the end of the show that this was for realzies and he couldn’t take it. I don’t think he suddenly didn’t like/love Carly, but I don’t think he was prepared for anything long-term, either.

Few of these people are. That’s why there needs to be some actual restrictions or guidelines on these Bachelor Pad type shows. All of these people are taking a damn vacation where they can soak up the sun, bang random hot people and drink and eat whatever they want, whenever they want.

Where the hell in that equation does LOVE factor in? There is hardly any room for it at all. You show up to an island with beautiful people, food and great weather (although it actually looked hot as balls there the entire time) and you’re supposed to SETTLE DOWN?

I think not. The show is a farce and the people all have something else on the side before they even agree to the damn thing.

That being said, one relationship stood the test of the show – it seems – and it was nice to see Jade and Tanner couple up for good. He proposed, she said yes and all the sweat dripping off of his body told us two things – for real, it was hot as hell there, and dude meant that shit.

In summary, Kirk is probably just a normal dude who really liked a girl and then got scared and it just happened to get CAUGHT ON FUCKING NATIONAL TELEVISION. Also, he MAY have been freaked out by her weird “rose is just a rose” song. Yeah.

So much more can be said about Kirk, Joe, Mikey, every Ashley and so many other people, but that’s all in the past. The future is bright, chock full of horrid people on sex-filled islands or trying to win someone’s heart on a different type of show. And we MIGHT be around to enjoy it with you.

The Bachelor Episode 5 Review: Is Tierra Licausi the New Courtney Robertson?

Nah, she doesn't look crazy at all.

I’m not really going to go start to finish and review The Bachelor like most sites. For one, I just flat-out don’t have the time and energy to fully submerse my being into what figures to be at least 33 minutes of exact name research to nail down the people, dates, and all the information needed to get you a nice, cut Reader’s Digest issue of what happened last night.

You saw it, I saw it, and now we’re here to mourn the two hours we lost on Monday night, while also excitedly preparing for Tuesday night’s special rebuttal episode, with noose and preferably a sharp red wine in hand. Either hand, I don’t give a shit.

First things first: That Tierra Licausi chick – she’s a crazy bitch. Sure, our pals at the Bach’ know how to work a story and the cameras, and her ridiculous cackling after the last black girl is sent home (yeah, I said it) is probably overdone just a scorch. But that doesn’t mean she hasn’t lost her marbles. I think we all have every reason to think that she’s a manipulative sociopath on the scale of one seemingly untouchable Courtney Robertson, and whether or not she actually digs boring Sean, it’s getting increasingly more obvious that she takes more joy in seeing other girls go than her actually getting to stay.

Here’s the tough part for me. It’s got to be just an insurmountable task to find a crazier chick that what Robertson was last season, right? Well, I think ABC found one. She’s not a model or as fit, but she’s got an imprint of what looks like a lego in her forehead. Combine that with her Big Foot jaw and it’s impossible for Sean to look past her, right?

Ah, but all of that’s not enough. She also has to be an emotional train wreck that steals Sean whenever he’s with another girl, sneaks up on a group date like a major creeper when she’s already been guaranteed a two-on-one sit down, and squeeze the emotion out of the even dullest moments.

Her crazy meter had me at the fall down the stairs:

She broke all her bones but she was OK.

It was bullshit from the word go, and assuming she’s the shaky lady in the trailer for the next Bachelor episode (it has to be her, right?), then I’m going out on a limb and saying she’s reeaaallly close to taking it one step too far.

But that’s from my perspective, in my house, chained to the couch as I watch the show with my wife.

Shawn, on the other hand, sees her ever so buttery batch of crazy as bullshit “I know what you’re going through, I’ve been there” stress and emotion. Just like Ben Flajnik before him, Shawn is caught up in a woman’s infatuation in him, as well as his own in her. Personally, I don’t see it. Tierra Licausi is basically a rounder, more annoying Courtney, and there just isn’t much upside.

In that same breath, I can’t decide if it’s Tierra or the whiney chicks who go and semi-complain about her to Shawn that I hate more.

“Sean, some of these bitches be crazy. But I can’t tell you which one or why or when. I can’t take it. But I can’t tell you what I can’t take, or why I feel a certain way or when I feel that way. All I can say is that this is a dating show, I’m a girl, and I’m bat shit crazy” – Every damn girl on the show

But as much as I’ve had to complain about, I guess it’s at least making this show worth watching again. Because before Tierra Licausi emerged as the new Crazy, this installment of The Bachelor was severely lacking when it comes to a story-line.

She HATES drama.

The Bachelor 2013: Who is the Next Bachelor?

The Bachelor

Not this fucking guy.

And you thought Ben Flajnik was a bore fest. It appears the rumors swirling for months are true, and 2012 Bachelorette loser Sean Lowe is looking to be the 2013 Bachelor.

I know he comes off as a nice guy and his family was pretty low-key and accepting during Emily’s season, but am I the only one that finds him incredibly boring?

Probably, since ABC is bringing him in as their next dude to date 20 odd chicks to see if one is good enough to pretend to want to marry until breaking up with her a week after the finale airs.

I’m not excited about Lowe being the guy, but I won’t lie and say I’m not going to watch. The female contestants always make it interesting and my wife beats me if I don’t watch.

If it means anything, my pick would be that Mike guy who won Bachelor Pad. I thought it was awesome how he kept the entire $250,000. Pretty damn cruel, but also insanely awesome. And we all thought he was just muscles. That’s what The Bachelor really needs. An honest muscle guy and common nothing man who isn’t afraid to look like a real schmuck. You’ll know if the girls truly like you or not if they can look past that. That, or they’re really into getting their hands on some of that fat $250k coin. Probably the latter.

Bachelor Episode 6 Crazy of the Week | Scrapbooking vs. Kissing Coach

Bachelor 16

Close, but no cigar.

It took me until about the final 30 minutes of this one, but I finally found this week’s Crazy of the Week. Blakely Shea initially won the trophy by getting real sentimental with Ben in their one-on-one time during their two-on-one date.

They could have talked about past relationships, Blakeley’s boobs, Ben’s mounting sweat, or you know, anything. Instead Blakeley thought it’d be best to share her not-crazy-at-all scrap-book she made about her and Ben.

The scrap-book included words and names and all sorts of heart-felt images. Unfortunately, ABC took the high road on this one, and we really only saw it’s contents for about 20 seconds at a time. Ben’s face during the unveiling probably said it all, but one has to wonder just how long into this experience Flajnik got before he thought, “…and…you’re going home...”.

Indeed, Shea was the first to bite the dust, as Ben chose the blonde with less endowment (Rachel Trueheart). Call me crazy, but I get the feeling Blakeley’s ultimate demise had something to do with burying her and Ben’s faces in a FUCKING. SCRAPBOOK.

But I digress.

Because as out of this world crazy as dumping a scrapbook about love, mush, and a bright future with a dude you basically have known for a couple of weeks truly is, episode 6 wasn’t about to stop there.

I could toss in Casey Shteamer‘s tear-filled exit where she got (wait for it) Shteam-rolled by Chris Harrison calling her out on still being in love with her ex (or current?) boyfriend back home…but as much of a bitch as I originally thought she was, I actually felt kind of bad for her. She just wants love, man. She just wants love.

That brings us to the kissing coach, Jamie Otis, who brought awkward to a whole new jaw-dropping, hard-as-hell-to-watch level. A level, mind you, we have not yet seen on this show, and if I dare say so myself, that’s one hell of a feat to top – let alone match.

But ya did it, Otis. And you did it well.

Bachelor 16

She's leaning in for a smooch.

Actually, it was done horribly, as Jamie forced the issue regarding her and Ben’s lack of chemistry, as she told Ben she thought of “what she’d like to do” to or with him before she went to bed at night.

I genuinely think Flajnik was reeled in at this point, and saw a new side of Jamie. He would have started to open up, and maybe there could have been something there. But that was before Jamie hit the sanity wall and crashed through with a sad display of some of the sorriest seduction tactics you have ever seen. Pornstars were blushing at the cheesiness of this girl.

First came the lap straddle, which almost ripped Jamie’s dress, let alone could have had her or Ben falling over. Then came the lip assault, which Ben clearly wasn’t ready for.

But the words, the lap mess, and the initial kiss were just buttering us all up for what would end up being our true Crazy of the Week moment. Or moments.

Poor Jamie was prepping us for something we really never thought could happen – an apparent kissing tutorial from a shy, awkward girl who quite possibly has not had a lot of experience in the field.

It went something like this:

We’re going to kiss now. Let’s do closed mouth first. Close, close your mouth. And press your lips together slightly. And gently. Now firm. Now both at the same time. And now against my lips, but right before they touch, smile a little bit so my lips accidentally touch your teeth. Then put the tip of your tongue on my lip, slide it in to touch my front teeth, then back up for a second to pause the kissing to allow the awkward laughter to help us transition to the open mouth kiss. Now when I come in with my mouth open, make sure your mouth is totally closed, to avoid actually completing the open mouth kiss. Better yet, when I go in with my mouth open, right when I see yours is also open, I’ll laugh and close my mouth so you accidentally swallow my tiny little bird lip kiss. Then we’ll rock back and forth in embarrassment and I’ll fall into your shoulder two or three times before we admit that this is the worst kissing attempt or tutorial known to man.

An exaggeration, yes, but only slightly. Check out the video if you missed it. It’s a keeper:

Bachelor Crazy of the Week, Episode 5 | It’s Courtney Robertson Again

Bachelor 16

Skinny dipping is for bitches.

Don’t act like you’re shocked. Believe me, I’m not so biased that I didn’t consider Blakely and a couple others, but ultimately, I just don’t see a single girl from episode five that takes the cake out of our favorite Bachelor 16 cake-eater; Courtney Robertson.

She seems to graduate from a new level of filth each week. Last week it was her sickening manipulation that vaulted her above the rest. This week it’s manipulation + being a douche + being a slut.

She talked golden boy Ben Flajnik into baring all and going skinny dipping in the ocean off the shore of Puerto Rico. And God knows what happened after they were in the water.

I surely don’t want to know.

I had all I could handle just to stomach through the blurred parts, to which I genuinely thank ABC for being a “family” network and keeping us from seeing Courtney (or Ben, for that matter) in the nude.

On top of her disgusting skinny dipping scene (and we’ll put extra emphasis on ‘skinny’), she proceeded to pile on the psycho aspect of her personality, when she made a wish for another girl to be eliminated.

But the WORST part was what prefaced the skinny dipping, when Courtney was creepily waiting on the steps across from Ben’s door.

Add breaking the rules and being a major creeper to her growing list of flaws.

I just cannot stand this girl. If she wins this show…if Ben actually goes all the way and picks her as the winner…I just don’t know if I’ll be able to trust The Bachelor anymore.

I mean, it’s already on shaky ground. Ali and Roberto. I mean, come on. Jake and Vienna. Let’s get real. Ashley and J.P. Seriously…

I cannot take another one of these doucher crazy balls bouncing all the way to the end and getting the damn ring.

Courtney Robertson is a complulsive manipulator who is out to win the game. She is boring. She is one of the ugliest models I’ve ever seen.

She. Looks. Like. Russell. Brand.

How is this happening? How is she still on a friggin’ DATING show where a dude is trying to find his wife? How?

Let’s see here….if you can bare with me…Courtney Robertson is…

- a total bitch

- boring

- one of the ugliest models we’ve ever seen

- oily

- conniving

- manipulative

- russell brand’s twin

- way too skinny

- evil

- creepy

- a cheater

I mean, do I have to go on?

I used to have hope that her evil ways would die down eventually, especially when she was so much in Ben’s favor that no one else was that much of a threat.

But that’s how we know her psychosis has taken on a mind of it’s own. When she herself admits routinely that she has nothing to worry about, that the other girls don’t know how to get it done, and that she’s “winning”.

But then she still flails around this SHIT.

Yes, Courtney is totally cool, calm, and collected, everyone. She’s a model, hot, and super, super interesting.

That’s why she has to tear down the other girls, steal Ben away when others are talking to him one-on-one, literally manipulate Ben into “reassuring her” with a rose before the rose ceremony, and coaxing him into the ocean with her scrawny, naked body.

Oh, and creepily waits by his door with wine and just a robe as if she’s so much the shit that it couldn’t in any way come off as horribly desperate and clingy.

Yeah, she’s got it all figured out.

Dude, Ben Flajnik is Kind of a Dick

Bachelor 16

His face after I called him a dick.

I don’t mean to step on Bachelor toes, but is anyone else seeing a little bit of douche pour on out of our boy, Ben Flajnik?

Don’t get me wrong, the brutal honesty he displayed a the conclusion of the Bachelorette and continued on into the 16th season of The Bachelor is accepted. Hell, it’s appreciated.

From opening up about his dad and whatever is “near and dear to his heart”, to sitting Samantha down a couple episodes and shipping her off because “he didn’t feel it”, you have to respect how the guy doesn’t waste his or anyone else’s time.

But when Emily O’Brien tried for the second time to shows Flajnik how huge of a psychopath his model crush Courtney Robertson is, he simply wouldn’t have it – for the second time.

The first time O’Brien spoke up about Robertson, Ben merely said to watch what she says about other people, or it could “lead to her demise”. This time, he upped the ante.

O’Brien opened their brief one-on-one session together by saying she wanted to focus just on her and Ben, and wouldn’t talk about Courtney anymore. That lasted about five seconds, as she once again opened up about Courtney’s craziness around the girls when she is away from Ben.

Granted, I can see how Ben would be annoyed by Emily talking shit like this, but I think we can all agree Emily isn’t being a desperate douche. She’s simply calling it likes she sees it.

And while we can respect Ben’s defense for Courtney to an extent, his cold words to Emily were not just uncalled for, but they also might have been a little eye-opening.

The phrases “Drop it” and “Tread lightly” come to mind, as Ben was cold and direct when countering Emily’s claims.

I don’t even think I’m trying to be funny in this post, folks. Ben went from likable dude who was honest and genuine, to total model monger with a hatred for the unbridled truth.

He simply does not want to hear that Courtney’s shit stinks.

The trailer for the coming episodes alludes to Ben at least opening up to the possibility that Courtney isn’t perfect, but we’ll just have to wait and see.