Holy Shit, Bachelor Rant is Still a Site and Kirk Sucks

Voted least likely to be named next Bachelor.

I thought for sure this website would crater into oblivion with the long list of sites my brother and I have built and left for dead over the years. But this one is here, standing ever so gingerly on its one good leg.

Who knows how long it will last, but I’m back for at least this post, that’s for sure. Mostly to inform you that I’m shocked this website is still up and about the same amount of surprised that The Bachelor is still a thing.

When we last left you Sean Lowe was The Bachelor and we ran out of interesting observations to throw up all over the inter webs. Then came some more Bachelors and Bachelorettes and truth be told, we just stopped watching when that sleazy Juan Pablo got his own show. Cuz, geez.

We did start up again in this past season’s Bachelors in Paradise, though, and really, there was an insane amount of material to work with. Color me lazy, but I just didn’t put my feelings into type.

And instead of re-hashing that entire show while its no longer relevant in any way, I’ll leave you with this: Kirk Dewindt was a total dick. He knows it, you know it, Carly sure as hell knows it.

But I don’t even mean to be “calling him out” necessarily. What he did is what tons of guys do. He liked the girl, he got comfortable, and then PLANS happened. I don’t doubt for a second that Kirk genuinely, 100% was into Carly. I would bet he was even right there with Carly when she started talking about kids and shit.

But reality can be a real summa bitch. Kirk had an awakening near the end of the show that this was for realzies and he couldn’t take it. I don’t think he suddenly didn’t like/love Carly, but I don’t think he was prepared for anything long-term, either.

Few of these people are. That’s why there needs to be some actual restrictions or guidelines on these Bachelor Pad type shows. All of these people are taking a damn vacation where they can soak up the sun, bang random hot people and drink and eat whatever they want, whenever they want.

Where the hell in that equation does LOVE factor in? There is hardly any room for it at all. You show up to an island with beautiful people, food and great weather (although it actually looked hot as balls there the entire time) and you’re supposed to SETTLE DOWN?

I think not. The show is a farce and the people all have something else on the side before they even agree to the damn thing.

That being said, one relationship stood the test of the show – it seems – and it was nice to see Jade and Tanner couple up for good. He proposed, she said yes and all the sweat dripping off of his body told us two things – for real, it was hot as hell there, and dude meant that shit.

In summary, Kirk is probably just a normal dude who really liked a girl and then got scared and it just happened to get CAUGHT ON FUCKING NATIONAL TELEVISION. Also, he MAY have been freaked out by her weird “rose is just a rose” song. Yeah.

So much more can be said about Kirk, Joe, Mikey, every Ashley and so many other people, but that’s all in the past. The future is bright, chock full of horrid people on sex-filled islands or trying to win someone’s heart on a different type of show. And we MIGHT be around to enjoy it with you.

Dude, Ben Flajnik is Kind of a Dick

Bachelor 16

His face after I called him a dick.

I don’t mean to step on Bachelor toes, but is anyone else seeing a little bit of douche pour on out of our boy, Ben Flajnik?

Don’t get me wrong, the brutal honesty he displayed a the conclusion of the Bachelorette and continued on into the 16th season of The Bachelor is accepted. Hell, it’s appreciated.

From opening up about his dad and whatever is “near and dear to his heart”, to sitting Samantha down a couple episodes and shipping her off because “he didn’t feel it”, you have to respect how the guy doesn’t waste his or anyone else’s time.

But when Emily O’Brien tried for the second time to shows Flajnik how huge of a psychopath his model crush Courtney Robertson is, he simply wouldn’t have it – for the second┬átime.

The first time O’Brien spoke up about Robertson, Ben merely said to watch what she says about other people, or it could “lead to her demise”. This time, he upped the ante.

O’Brien opened their brief one-on-one session together by saying she wanted to focus just on her and Ben, and wouldn’t talk about Courtney anymore. That lasted about five seconds, as she once again opened up about Courtney’s craziness around the girls when she is away from Ben.

Granted, I can see how Ben would be annoyed by Emily talking shit like this, but I think we can all agree Emily isn’t being a desperate douche. She’s simply calling it likes she sees it.

And while we can respect Ben’s defense for Courtney to an extent, his cold words to Emily were not just uncalled for, but they also might have been a little eye-opening.

The phrases “Drop it” and “Tread lightly” come to mind, as Ben was cold and direct when countering Emily’s claims.

I don’t even think I’m trying to be funny in this post, folks. Ben went from likable dude who was honest and genuine, to total model monger with a hatred for the unbridled truth.

He simply does not want to hear that Courtney’s shit stinks.

The trailer for the coming episodes alludes to Ben at least opening up to the possibility┬áthat Courtney isn’t perfect, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

Bachelor Episode 4 Crazy of the Week | Courtney Robertson

The Bachelor

Oh, I can TOTALLY see how she's a model...

Generally I like to choose someone who really loses their shit on The Bachelor, whether it’s rambling about absolute nonsense, losing their mind in complete hysterics, over-analyzing everything, or getting themselves lost in a deep, dark tunnel of insanity.

And to be honest, The Bachelor rarely disappoints. But episode 4 brought us a whole new brand of crazy, as the ever-present Courtney Robertson unleashed full-blown bitch mode WHILE also putting her man-manipulating skills and ability to break other people down in an instant on full display.

And while she wasn’t a big hot mess, crying and sobbing herself to sleep with a wine glass in hand, she did hold a wine glass pretty much the entire night, and she did qualify for our Crazy of the Week.

Courtney has been no stranger to sny remarks, cold taunts, and rubbing roses in the other girls’ faces. But she took it to a whole new level this week when she told the camera she was going to “get a rose”, and then proceeded to literally manipulate Ben into giving her a rose that he admitted was going to go to someone else.

Here’s a quick glimpse of what you would have seen in episode 4. Some of her quotes are just perfect:

I know what you’re thinking – sooner or later you’re going to run out of “crazies” to pick from, as the further this thing goes, our buddy Ben Flajnik will weed out the weakies and keep the smart, beautiful, classy, and well, un-crazy ladies around.

But I’m not so sure.

Ben appears to be head over heels over this whack job, and even when Emily O’Brien tried to tell him straight up (cue Paula Abdul music now) that Courtney is “different around other people than she is around Ben”, he merely tells her talking badly about someone else could ultimately “lead to her own demise”.

Translation: You be trippin’. Don’t tell me the model is a bitch when I totally want her more than anyone else on this show, even though she looks like Russell Brand, talks like an ant eater, is pure evil, conniving, and has broader shoulders than Sylvester Stallone. I like you, we had a great date and conquered the bridge, but you’re just one of my “toppies”. You’ll make it far, but you can’t. touch. the. model. She is sublime and I won’t be convinced otherwise. Don’t fuck this up for me.

Boom. Nailed it.

So, in a sense, Flajnik almost wins joint-crazy of the week, simply because he completely ignored Emily’s cries for sanity – and also the fact that he somehow gets through dates with Courtney, you know, AT ALL.

She is boring as hell. She is Skeletor meets Kate Moss meets Russell Brand meets Richard Simmons meets Vienna (another favorite Bachelor douche)….meets Randy Newman. But I doubt she can play piano.

To sum it up, this is week one of Courtney Robertson raising the Crazy of the Week trophy high above her oblong head, and I do fear that it will not be the last. But dear God, I hope I’m wrong.