Who even gives any of the shits. Yeah, it was a mild surprise that Samantha Steffern and Nick Peterson stuck with each other at the end of last season’s Bachelor in Paradise, but it really felt like it was just the two of them saving face.
Like, they huddled together before filming wrapped up and were like, “People seem to think we’re pretty shitty and in this for all the wrong reasons. Let’s pretend to actually like each other”.
Consider us fooled. Or we didn’t care at all to begin with. Or most of us didn’t believe you.
And now you’re not together and we care even less. This, coming from the girl who told like five guys she was coming on the show for her, told Joe to do “whatever it takes” to get a rose, then spurned Joe and was extremely touch and go throughout the show.
Congrats, Sam, ya stayed on the island. You’re really good at lying and stuff.
And Nick is the guy who burned his partner for all of the monies back on the final Bachelor Pad, you know, when there was something tangible about this show LIKE FREAKING MONEY.
Regardless of what you believe, it does SEEM like these two were together to some degree after the show, but now they’re not. And nothing has changed, really.
It took me until about the final 30 minutes of this one, but I finally found this week’s Crazy of the Week. Blakely Shea initially won the trophy by getting real sentimental with Ben in their one-on-one time during their two-on-one date.
They could have talked about past relationships, Blakeley’s boobs, Ben’s mounting sweat, or you know, anything. Instead Blakeley thought it’d be best to share her not-crazy-at-all scrap-book she made about her and Ben.
The scrap-book included words and names and all sorts of heart-felt images. Unfortunately, ABC took the high road on this one, and we really only saw it’s contents for about 20 seconds at a time. Ben’s face during the unveiling probably said it all, but one has to wonder just how long into this experience Flajnik got before he thought, “…and…you’re going home...”.
Indeed, Shea was the first to bite the dust, as Ben chose the blonde with less endowment (Rachel Trueheart). Call me crazy, but I get the feeling Blakeley’s ultimate demise had something to do with burying her and Ben’s faces in a FUCKING. SCRAPBOOK.
But I digress.
Because as out of this world crazy as dumping a scrapbook about love, mush, and a bright future with a dude you basically have known for a couple of weeks truly is, episode 6 wasn’t about to stop there.
I could toss in Casey Shteamer‘s tear-filled exit where she got (wait for it) Shteam-rolled by Chris Harrison calling her out on still being in love with her ex (or current?) boyfriend back home…but as much of a bitch as I originally thought she was, I actually felt kind of bad for her. She just wants love, man. She just wants love.
That brings us to the kissing coach, Jamie Otis, who brought awkward to a whole new jaw-dropping, hard-as-hell-to-watch level. A level, mind you, we have not yet seen on this show, and if I dare say so myself, that’s one hell of a feat to top – let alone match.
But ya did it, Otis. And you did it well.
She's leaning in for a smooch.
Actually, it was done horribly, as Jamie forced the issue regarding her and Ben’s lack of chemistry, as she told Ben she thought of “what she’d like to do” to or with him before she went to bed at night.
I genuinely think Flajnik was reeled in at this point, and saw a new side of Jamie. He would have started to open up, and maybe there could have been something there. But that was before Jamie hit the sanity wall and crashed through with a sad display of some of the sorriest seduction tactics you have ever seen. Pornstars were blushing at the cheesiness of this girl.
First came the lap straddle, which almost ripped Jamie’s dress, let alone could have had her or Ben falling over. Then came the lip assault, which Ben clearly wasn’t ready for.
But the words, the lap mess, and the initial kiss were just buttering us all up for what would end up being our true Crazy of the Week moment. Or moments.
Poor Jamie was prepping us for something we really never thought could happen – an apparent kissing tutorial from a shy, awkward girl who quite possibly has not had a lot of experience in the field.
It went something like this:
We’re going to kiss now. Let’s do closed mouth first. Close, close your mouth. And press your lips together slightly. And gently. Now firm. Now both at the same time. And now against my lips, but right before they touch, smile a little bit so my lips accidentally touch your teeth. Then put the tip of your tongue on my lip, slide it in to touch my front teeth, then back up for a second to pause the kissing to allow the awkward laughter to help us transition to the open mouth kiss. Now when I come in with my mouth open, make sure your mouth is totally closed, to avoid actually completing the open mouth kiss. Better yet, when I go in with my mouth open, right when I see yours is also open, I’ll laugh and close my mouth so you accidentally swallow my tiny little bird lip kiss. Then we’ll rock back and forth in embarrassment and I’ll fall into your shoulder two or three times before we admit that this is the worst kissing attempt or tutorial known to man.
An exaggeration, yes, but only slightly. Check out the video if you missed it. It’s a keeper: