So, IMDb Apparently Hates The Bachelor More Than You Do

Chris Harrison gives none of the fucks.

The extremely and excruciatingly low ratings IMDb keeps giving the The Bachelor has always been a bit of a mystery. With a show spanning almost 20 seasons, has aired for more than a decade and STILL has steady ratings and a viewership between 8-9 million, it doesn’t make any sense that IMDb ratings for the Bachelor brand ranges between 2-4 stars.

So, why are the ratings so low? Well, firstly, you need to understand what IMDb is and how it works. IMDb is a site that rates movies and TV programs. Currently it is the number one choice GLOBALLY to get your movie and TV reviews from. IMDb works on a system where all members (membership is free; you just have to register) can give their personal vote/review in the form of stars – one being the worst and ten being the best. And in the words of IMDb themselves: “We take all individual votes cast…the rating displayed on a film’s page is a weighted average.”

That generally makes good sense. Plus it’s a very fair system; by the people for the people, right? Not quite. This is where things get weird. That “weighted average” that sounded so great a minute ago, is not what you think at all. In fact, no-one knows what it actually means! When IMDb was asked to define “weighted average”, their response was: “A weighted average means that some votes have more weight than others in our calculations.”

What IMDb is basically saying is that some of their member’s opinions matter more than others! How is this hierarchy decided and how is it managed? Once again, IMDb is avoiding real answers and simply takes in a very defensive stance. The one thing IMDb didn’t count on is the fact that not everyone is total idiot.  I mean, logically, if the 8-9 million Bachelor viewers all voted and all their votes counted equally as much as any other, the rating would be much higher.

So, naturally, someone had the guts to query the system: “I made my own calculations and the rating for movie or show XYZ should be 7.7, not 4.3! What gives?” Their response was very mature and straightforward. In fact, the answer was so transparent that we now all understand the way IMDb’s ratings work… Or not. “We do not disclose our rating/weighting scheme so you can’t possibly know what the weighted rating should be. Please remember that the rating is weighted – it’s not the arithmetic mean value of the votes.”

All I’m hearing is “blah-blah-blah, our system makes no mathematical sense, has no rhyme or reason and is very subjective – you cannot trust our opinion”. So, what’s the real reason for Bachelor’s low ratings? Only IMDb knows, and they’re not telling.

That, or Chris Soules really brought this ship down.

Ben Higgins and the Most Boring Bachelors Ever

It's a whole new type of suck!

Sean Lowe, eat your heart out. Ben Higgins has been named the 20th The Bachelor and we’re all fidgeting in our seats anticipating the boredom that lies ahead.

He actually even received the following advice on live television: “Don’t be as boring as Chris Soules and just don’t be Juan Pablo.”

Tall. Order.

Let’s hope he takes the advice to heart, because I think we can all agree that Juan Pablo is the worst Bachelor of all time and that there have been more than a few Bachelors that’s summa cum lauded their B.com in Boring degree. Let’s take a quick look at those who made us catch the most z’s:

Charlie O’Connell, Season 7

His brother is famous!

This is probably the most ironic name on this list. As the brother of a famous actor and a self-professed struggling actor, no-one would have guessed that we would struggle to stay awake during this hunk of boring’s search for love. It seemed that not even Charlie himself could deal with it all and had to keep things interesting by…well…constantly drinking. Apparently the drinking was also why the relationship between him and his final rose, Sarah Brice, eventually ended.

Andy Baldwin, Season 10

Not to be confused as any of the entertaining Baldwin brothers! The only perk about this Bachelor was the amount of time he had to spend in uniform on the show. The rest of the time we were all trying our best not to doze off before the rose ceremony. With Andy’s history it’s not hard to see why this season took a big nose-dive off a cliff. He grew up in Amish country, was a valedictorian student, enrolled in the navy and then graduated as a naval doctor that later won a humanitarian award. If you think this sound a bit like a prince that just stepped out of a Disney movie, you’re not wrong. But its worth mentioning that no-one watched Cinderella for Prince Eric.

Jake Pavelka, Season 14

Where do we begin with Jake Pavelka? At first he was a Bachelor fan favorite (everything nice, with sugar and spice) and then he turned into this crazy narcissist that couldn’t even change someone’s opinion about him on the show, H8R. Subsequently he had a little toddler tantrum about that as well. The worst quote he received during his stint as the Bachelor was that “it would be more exciting watching paint dry”. Maybe if he was his narcissistic self, the season would have been more entertaining.

Chris Soules, Season 19

And the winner as the ultimate boring Bachelor is Chris Soules! Or as people around the globe now refer to him; “the boring farmer”.

He's got nothing to say.

Some hardcore Chris fans are defending his dreariness by saying that Chris isn’t boring; he just got overwhelmed by the crazy and chaotic behavior of the women. Well, the sad fact is Chris; people would’ve stopped tuning in a loooooong time ago if it wasn’t for the crazy and chaotic behavior of the women. The most sensation we got out of this season was what happened during the break-up (a mere two months after the cameras were switched off).

The Bachelor Episode 5 Review: Is Tierra Licausi the New Courtney Robertson?

Nah, she doesn't look crazy at all.

I’m not really going to go start to finish and review The Bachelor like most sites. For one, I just flat-out don’t have the time and energy to fully submerse my being into what figures to be at least 33 minutes of exact name research to nail down the people, dates, and all the information needed to get you a nice, cut Reader’s Digest issue of what happened last night.

You saw it, I saw it, and now we’re here to mourn the two hours we lost on Monday night, while also excitedly preparing for Tuesday night’s special rebuttal episode, with noose and preferably a sharp red wine in hand. Either hand, I don’t give a shit.

First things first: That Tierra Licausi chick – she’s a crazy bitch. Sure, our pals at the Bach’ know how to work a story and the cameras, and her ridiculous cackling after the last black girl is sent home (yeah, I said it) is probably overdone just a scorch. But that doesn’t mean she hasn’t lost her marbles. I think we all have every reason to think that she’s a manipulative sociopath on the scale of one seemingly untouchable Courtney Robertson, and whether or not she actually digs boring Sean, it’s getting increasingly more obvious that she takes more joy in seeing other girls go than her actually getting to stay.

Here’s the tough part for me. It’s got to be just an insurmountable task to find a crazier chick that what Robertson was last season, right? Well, I think ABC found one. She’s not a model or as fit, but she’s got an imprint of what looks like a lego in her forehead. Combine that with her Big Foot jaw and it’s impossible for Sean to look past her, right?

Ah, but all of that’s not enough. She also has to be an emotional train wreck that steals Sean whenever he’s with another girl, sneaks up on a group date like a major creeper when she’s already been guaranteed a two-on-one sit down, and squeeze the emotion out of the even dullest moments.

Her crazy meter had me at the fall down the stairs:

She broke all her bones but she was OK.

It was bullshit from the word go, and assuming she’s the shaky lady in the trailer for the next Bachelor episode (it has to be her, right?), then I’m going out on a limb and saying she’s reeaaallly close to taking it one step too far.

But that’s from my perspective, in my house, chained to the couch as I watch the show with my wife.

Shawn, on the other hand, sees her ever so buttery batch of crazy as bullshit “I know what you’re going through, I’ve been there” stress and emotion. Just like Ben Flajnik before him, Shawn is caught up in a woman’s infatuation in him, as well as his own in her. Personally, I don’t see it. Tierra Licausi is basically a rounder, more annoying Courtney, and there just isn’t much upside.

In that same breath, I can’t decide if it’s Tierra or the whiney chicks who go and semi-complain about her to Shawn that I hate more.

“Sean, some of these bitches be crazy. But I can’t tell you which one or why or when. I can’t take it. But I can’t tell you what I can’t take, or why I feel a certain way or when I feel that way. All I can say is that this is a dating show, I’m a girl, and I’m bat shit crazy” – Every damn girl on the show

But as much as I’ve had to complain about, I guess it’s at least making this show worth watching again. Because before Tierra Licausi emerged as the new Crazy, this installment of The Bachelor was severely lacking when it comes to a story-line.

She HATES drama.

The Bachelor 2013: Who is the Next Bachelor?

The Bachelor

Not this fucking guy.

And you thought Ben Flajnik was a bore fest. It appears the rumors swirling for months are true, and 2012 Bachelorette loser Sean Lowe is looking to be the 2013 Bachelor.

I know he comes off as a nice guy and his family was pretty low-key and accepting during Emily’s season, but am I the only one that finds him incredibly boring?

Probably, since ABC is bringing him in as their next dude to date 20 odd chicks to see if one is good enough to pretend to want to marry until breaking up with her a week after the finale airs.

I’m not excited about Lowe being the guy, but I won’t lie and say I’m not going to watch. The female contestants always make it interesting and my wife beats me if I don’t watch.

If it means anything, my pick would be that Mike guy who won Bachelor Pad. I thought it was awesome how he kept the entire $250,000. Pretty damn cruel, but also insanely awesome. And we all thought he was just muscles. That’s what The Bachelor really needs. An honest muscle guy and common nothing man who isn’t afraid to look like a real schmuck. You’ll know if the girls truly like you or not if they can look past that. That, or they’re really into getting their hands on some of that fat $250k coin. Probably the latter.

Bachelor Crazy of the Week, Episode 5 | It’s Courtney Robertson Again

Bachelor 16

Skinny dipping is for bitches.

Don’t act like you’re shocked. Believe me, I’m not so biased that I didn’t consider Blakely and a couple others, but ultimately, I just don’t see a single girl from episode five that takes the cake out of our favorite Bachelor 16 cake-eater; Courtney Robertson.

She seems to graduate from a new level of filth each week. Last week it was her sickening manipulation that vaulted her above the rest. This week it’s manipulation + being a douche + being a slut.

She talked golden boy Ben Flajnik into baring all and going skinny dipping in the ocean off the shore of Puerto Rico. And God knows what happened after they were in the water.

I surely don’t want to know.

I had all I could handle just to stomach through the blurred parts, to which I genuinely thank ABC for being a “family” network and keeping us from seeing Courtney (or Ben, for that matter) in the nude.

On top of her disgusting skinny dipping scene (and we’ll put extra emphasis on ‘skinny’), she proceeded to pile on the psycho aspect of her personality, when she made a wish for another girl to be eliminated.

But the WORST part was what prefaced the skinny dipping, when Courtney was creepily waiting on the steps across from Ben’s door.

Add breaking the rules and being a major creeper to her growing list of flaws.

I just cannot stand this girl. If she wins this show…if Ben actually goes all the way and picks her as the winner…I just don’t know if I’ll be able to trust The Bachelor anymore.

I mean, it’s already on shaky ground. Ali and Roberto. I mean, come on. Jake and Vienna. Let’s get real. Ashley and J.P. Seriously…

I cannot take another one of these doucher crazy balls bouncing all the way to the end and getting the damn ring.

Courtney Robertson is a complulsive manipulator who is out to win the game. She is boring. She is one of the ugliest models I’ve ever seen.

She. Looks. Like. Russell. Brand.

How is this happening? How is she still on a friggin’ DATING show where a dude is trying to find his wife? How?

Let’s see here….if you can bare with me…Courtney Robertson is…

- a total bitch

- boring

- one of the ugliest models we’ve ever seen

- oily

- conniving

- manipulative

- russell brand’s twin

- way too skinny

- evil

- creepy

- a cheater

I mean, do I have to go on?

I used to have hope that her evil ways would die down eventually, especially when she was so much in Ben’s favor that no one else was that much of a threat.

But that’s how we know her psychosis has taken on a mind of it’s own. When she herself admits routinely that she has nothing to worry about, that the other girls don’t know how to get it done, and that she’s “winning”.

But then she still flails around this SHIT.

Yes, Courtney is totally cool, calm, and collected, everyone. She’s a model, hot, and super, super interesting.

That’s why she has to tear down the other girls, steal Ben away when others are talking to him one-on-one, literally manipulate Ben into “reassuring her” with a rose before the rose ceremony, and coaxing him into the ocean with her scrawny, naked body.

Oh, and creepily waits by his door with wine and just a robe as if she’s so much the shit that it couldn’t in any way come off as horribly desperate and clingy.

Yeah, she’s got it all figured out.

Bachelor 16 Drinking Game | Episode 4

Bachelor 16

Wine is Ben's drink of choice, naturally.

The fourth episode of Bachelor Season 16 is upon us, as Ben Flajnik continues his journey for his wife through a sea of dental hygienists and sales associates.

The good thing is that he already cut a ton of drama and uglies with the three-fold dumping of Shawntel Newton, Erika Uhlig, and Jaclyn Swartz. As depressing as they all were last week and just in general, I find it equally depressing that I remember all three of their names without leaning on tape or past articles. That’s how far my anti-obsession with this show has gone.

However, as eye-opening as my new knowledge is, the best part truly is the fact that you can get drunk and laugh even harder at this show with our new Bachelor Drinking Games. Last week I begged you all to join me in taking a shot or a chug of your favorite brew every time Ben used his coined phrase, “Near and dear to my heart”.

To all of our dismay, he didn’t say the catch phrase ONCE in episode three, after saying it numerous times through the first two weeks. But I’m not giving up.

I encourage you – the boyfriend trying to earn brownie points, the husband with no spine, the friend with nothing better to do – to grab your favorite drink, and have at it again.

This time, we’re not putting all of our eggs in one basket, though. We’ll add one more key phrase to the lot, and see if we can’t pass out on the couch before our lady friend turns on a recorded copy (or seven) of Real Housewives or (cross your ingers) Say Yes to the Dress.

At least it wouldn’t be Gold Rush, right?

But I digress. Obviously we’re rolling with Ben’s favorite line “Near and dear to my heart” this week. Every time he says said phrase, you drink. And then you cross your fingers that he says it again. And again. And again.

And the other phrase to watch for (drumroll)…

Is any phrase involving “the right reasons“. So many of these girls wine and gossip about being there “for Ben” and “for the right reasons”, while complaining that others girls aren’t.

So, sit on the edge of your seat and watch for these phrases. Just make sure you have a drink ready to roll with.

Oh, and while you’re watching, try not thinking of Russell Brand every time you see that Courtney chick. Just think of her with a beard. Now ya got it…

Bachelor 16 Episode 3 Crazy of the Week | The Fainter

The Bachelor

Ring a Round the Rosy...

We said a sorry good-bye to our favorite Bachelor “crazy” last week when The Over Analyst, Jenna Burke, was cut from the show.

But a whole new breed of crazy was born in episode three, when Erika “Fainty” Uhlig goes all comatose on us as Ben is preparing to hand out the final rose. It comes down to Fainty, Melty Butter Face (Jaclyn Swartz), and the girl who came in and wrecked everyone’s shit – Shawntel Newton.

So, one rose to rule them all, and Erika can’t handle her shit. Shawntel is nervous, but outwardly seems pretty calm, while Jaclyn is just really letting the butter drip during this one. The intensity is too much for even the casual observer, but it’s really too much for Erika, who starts her one-foot-two-foot-one-foot-two-foot slow-stepped journey into crazy-ville almost immediately after Ben Flajnik starts talking.

You get to see her really hit a wall when Monica get selected, and the writing is on the wall.

Ohhhhh shit. It starts at 5:22, folks. The sadness enters…and, well, just watch from there. Also, hit some nice key times noted below.

(Get a load of Russell Brand at 3:06)

(4:38 marks the new Scale System we now love)

The best part is actually when Ben guides “Fainty” out of the room and into the bedroom to rest while he and the girls do a toast to the next episode. The room where fainty is in while this is happening is literally three feet away from the toast in progress. Just awesome.

All in all, Erika may not be “crazy” but considering it was just episode three and she barely knew Benjia, we’ll call her fainting/passing out a slight over-reaction.

The Bachelor’s Courtney Robertson Looks Like Russell Brand

Bachelor 16

It's all in the eyes, really.

Obviously it’s just a joke, but with Russell Brand and Katy Perry no longer an item, it wouldn’t be completely off base for the brit star to try going after a new “partner” this early, would it?

I didn’t think so, either. While there’s no way Russell Brand and Bachelor 16 “model” Courtney Robertson are the same person or even the same sex, the similarities are striking.

Here’s a picture of the girl in question, Courtney. See if you don’t see what we’re seeing:

Russell Brand look a like

The female Russell Brand, folks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Think we nailed it or are way off base? Comment below. Got another Bachelor 16 look-a-like? Let us know!

Ben’s Kiss Can Save the World

Bachelor 16

His kiss shall only be used for good...

Ben Flajnik is magical. He’s dreamy. He’s genuine. He is, if you choose to believe it, a real-life damn super hero.

Truth be told, Ben was on a date with Emily O’Brien, which ended up being a nerving jaunt up a bridge. Naturally, Emily was deathly afraid of heights – as was Ben, supposedly – and the two struggled to get to the top.

Editor’s note: the camera angles alone told just about everyone viewing that this climb was no easy task. I almost shat my pants just watching.

But really, it looked pretty frightening and understandably, it looked as though Emily’s dreamy date with Ben would end in embarrassment. But, as Ben put it, with Emily scared out of her mind and the two of them stuck in the middle of the bridge, he did all he could, and kissed her.

From that kiss on, Emily was empowered with the strength of a thousand men, had a whole different kind of “butterflies” and never looked back as she triumphed over the climb to the very tippy top of the bridge. It’s this awesome power of Ben’s kiss that had us thinking: if Ben’s kiss can eliminate a woman’s fear of heights and make her completely forget about the possibility of a certain death-plunge into the water below (or the sea of cars. that, too, would suck.), then what can’t Ben’s kiss do?

Here’s a quick list of some things we have a feeling Ben could solve with just one kiss:

Ben’s kiss could stop another bad Nicolas Cage movie from happening.

Ben’s kiss could add another 13 days to a Kim Kardashian marriage.

Ben’s kiss could make Clay Aiken hot and straight. Possibly still gay, though, too.

Ben’s kiss could make LeBron James clutch in the 4th quarter.

Ben’s kiss could make Nickelback an actually good band.

Ben’s kiss could make Sarah Palin smart.

Ben’s kiss could make Tim Tebow an accurate NFL quarterback.

What else, pray tell, could Ben’s kiss do? The possibilities are endless.

New 1-10 Scale Created on Bachelor | Throwing Up Takes 10′s Spot

Bachelor 16

Still not buttery enough for my liking.

My favorite “boy that face reminds me of a well drizzled tub of theater popcorn” Bachelor girl is gone.

Jaclyn Swartz, or Melty Butter Face, as I like to call her, finally got eliminated in episode three, where she, along with newcomer Shawntel Newton and semi-retard Erika Uhlig (her name even sounds gross) were all eliminated. But let’s not dwell on a tripod of disgust. This post is all about the ever shiny, glimmery, wet, and classically boring Swartz.

Let’s just be honest; her signing-off episode had simply been a process set in motion since day one. But still, while I pumped my fists in joy that she had at long last been cast aside off the full-speed-ahead train that is The Bachelor, I wanted to also stop and thank her for changing the way the rest of us look at life. Or, at least, the way we rate situations and how we feel about them.

That’s right, Melty Butter Face completely changed the way we’ll look at our personal “rating on a scale of 1-10″ measurements for the rest of our lives.

Upon learning that Shawntel Newton would be taking part in the rose ceremony for the third episode, melty butter face really margerined-up the entire show for a moment by saying, “On a scale of 1-10, I want to throw up”. Perfection. I couldn’t have summed it up better myself.

On a scale of 1-10, Jaclyn Swartz’s face is over-cooked to shit. With a touch of an entire stick of butter. Or three.