Bachelor Episode 3 Mystery Girl is Shawntel Newton, and Nobody Cares

Bachelor

Yes, she's as boring as she looks.

That chick in the red dress that ABC wouldn’t show you in episode three trailers, you know, the one with the question mark on her face in articles all across the internet – yeah, that was Shawntel Newton.

I know, I don’t care either, but if you wanted some useless info, she was on Bachelor 15 with Brad and is/was a funeral director. Awesome gig, and mad props for her making it onto two Bachelor seasons (in a row, mind you), but I still don’t truly know who she is, or really give a shit about her.

Still, it was at least mildly disappointing to see her leave before she ever truly came. That’s right, ABC hyped us up like they always do – a big, dramatic tease – only for the genuine Ben to make the right call, and send Brad’s sloppy seconds back home to go take care of some dead people.

I don’t know what’s more depressing, appearing on two bullshit “reality” love shows, or getting eliminated from two reality love shows. I guess, in the end, just like Shawntel Newton, it just doesn’t matter.

 

Meet Jenna Burke, The Over-Analyst

The Over Analyst

She's a big bowl of crazy, this one.

We know every single week on the Bachelor won’t warrant a “Crazy of the Week” column, but the first episode of Bachelor 16 certainly begged for it.

The beauty (or irony) actually falls with this week’s girl on display, Jenna Burke, who is a New York blogger who writes for The Over Analyst, and proceeded to over-analyze every aspect of her time with Ben (and without him) in the first episode. She herself said the title of her blog explained her approach to life and certain situations, and she certainly didn’t disappoint us, fully living up to her blog and self-proclaimed title.

In her own words regarding her persona as an over analyzer - “I enjoy analyzing. It’s one of the things people may consider a problem, yet it’s one of the things I really like to do. I think it makes us more interesting and leads us to new discoveries. Overanalyzing happens because you really have a deep interest in learning about life, the good and the bad. I embrace my desires, I feel inspired and I witness the beauty.”

Well said, Jenna. But I’m not sure what played out in episode one is exactly what you were aiming for.

Everyone who watches the Bachelor programs knows that every season of every show has at least one ‘crazy’ who takes things too seriously, goes over the top, over reacts, or, well you know, over analyzes.

And with Burke, we have our Bachelor Season 16 winner.

But I’m not going to try to run my mouth and make her into a raging psycho. No, she does that well enough on her own. She gets the ball rolling from the get-go with an awkward-as-hell meet and greet with Ben, but it really gets dicey at the start of this awesome clip of the cocktail party:

Oh, and Ben passed her on to episode two. Enjoy.

Welcome to BachelorRant.com!

Bachelor 16

Good luck Benji. Can we call you Benji?

Welcome to Bachelor Rant, where it’s all Bachelor, all the time. We know that slogan is cliche’, but that’s actually not our slogan. But even if it were, it’d perfectly align with how cliche’ the Bachelor always is.

Whether you love the show, the new bachelor, bachelorette, or those sickies that call themselves “singles” that bang each other on the Bachelor Pad, this blog is for you. Sort of. If you love the show, you might find some of what we say to be offensive. But if you’re laid back, you’ll just flat-out agree with our take on each show, the bachelor/bachelorette at hand, and especially the people trying to win their respective hearts.

This blog starts with the 16th season of Bachelor, as Ben Flajnik returns to be the main dude that endures 25 gorgeous crazies in an attempt to find true love when the show comes to an end.

We’ll join him on his journey, and as soon as it’s over, we’ll look ahead to the Bachelorette and the Bachelor Pad, because we know where these shows are, drama, crazy, and hilarity ensue.

But before we dive into what happened in episode one of Bachelor 16, let’s take a look at our buddy Ben’s heart-breaking good-bye in the last season of the Bachelorette, when Ashlee chose J.P. over our favorite wine expert:

That bitch.