The Bachelor Episode 5 Review: Is Tierra Licausi the New Courtney Robertson?

Nah, she doesn't look crazy at all.

I’m not really going to go start to finish and review The Bachelor like most sites. For one, I just flat-out don’t have the time and energy to fully submerse my being into what figures to be at least 33 minutes of exact name research to nail down the people, dates, and all the information needed to get you a nice, cut Reader’s Digest issue of what happened last night.

You saw it, I saw it, and now we’re here to mourn the two hours we lost on Monday night, while also excitedly preparing for Tuesday night’s special rebuttal episode, with noose and preferably a sharp red wine in hand. Either hand, I don’t give a shit.

First things first: That Tierra Licausi chick – she’s a crazy bitch. Sure, our pals at the Bach’ know how to work a story and the cameras, and her ridiculous cackling after the last black girl is sent home (yeah, I said it) is probably overdone just a scorch. But that doesn’t mean she hasn’t lost her marbles. I think we all have every reason to think that she’s a manipulative sociopath on the scale of one seemingly untouchable Courtney Robertson, and whether or not she actually digs boring Sean, it’s getting increasingly more obvious that she takes more joy in seeing other girls go than her actually getting to stay.

Here’s the tough part for me. It’s got to be just an insurmountable task to find a crazier chick that what Robertson was last season, right? Well, I think ABC found one. She’s not a model or as fit, but she’s got an imprint of what looks like a lego in her forehead. Combine that with her Big Foot jaw and it’s impossible for Sean to look past her, right?

Ah, but all of that’s not enough. She also has to be an emotional train wreck that steals Sean whenever he’s with another girl, sneaks up on a group date like a major creeper when she’s already been guaranteed a two-on-one sit down, and squeeze the emotion out of the even dullest moments.

Her crazy meter had me at the fall down the stairs:

She broke all her bones but she was OK.

It was bullshit from the word go, and assuming she’s the shaky lady in the trailer for the next Bachelor episode (it has to be her, right?), then I’m going out on a limb and saying she’s reeaaallly close to taking it one step too far.

But that’s from my perspective, in my house, chained to the couch as I watch the show with my wife.

Shawn, on the other hand, sees her ever so buttery batch of crazy as bullshit “I know what you’re going through, I’ve been there” stress and emotion. Just like Ben Flajnik before him, Shawn is caught up in a woman’s infatuation in him, as well as his own in her. Personally, I don’t see it. Tierra Licausi is basically a rounder, more annoying Courtney, and there just isn’t much upside.

In that same breath, I can’t decide if it’s Tierra or the whiney chicks who go and semi-complain about her to Shawn that I hate more.

“Sean, some of these bitches be crazy. But I can’t tell you which one or why or when. I can’t take it. But I can’t tell you what I can’t take, or why I feel a certain way or when I feel that way. All I can say is that this is a dating show, I’m a girl, and I’m bat shit crazy” – Every damn girl on the show

But as much as I’ve had to complain about, I guess it’s at least making this show worth watching again. Because before Tierra Licausi emerged as the new Crazy, this installment of The Bachelor was severely lacking when it comes to a story-line.

She HATES drama.

Bachelor Episode 6 Crazy of the Week | Scrapbooking vs. Kissing Coach

Bachelor 16

Close, but no cigar.

It took me until about the final 30 minutes of this one, but I finally found this week’s Crazy of the Week. Blakely Shea initially won the trophy by getting real sentimental with Ben in their one-on-one time during their two-on-one date.

They could have talked about past relationships, Blakeley’s boobs, Ben’s mounting sweat, or you know, anything. Instead Blakeley thought it’d be best to share her not-crazy-at-all scrap-book she made about her and Ben.

The scrap-book included words and names and all sorts of heart-felt images. Unfortunately, ABC took the high road on this one, and we really only saw it’s contents for about 20 seconds at a time. Ben’s face during the unveiling probably said it all, but one has to wonder just how long into this experience Flajnik got before he thought, “…and…you’re going home...”.

Indeed, Shea was the first to bite the dust, as Ben chose the blonde with less endowment (Rachel Trueheart). Call me crazy, but I get the feeling Blakeley’s ultimate demise had something to do with burying her and Ben’s faces in a FUCKING. SCRAPBOOK.

But I digress.

Because as out of this world crazy as dumping a scrapbook about love, mush, and a bright future with a dude you basically have known for a couple of weeks truly is, episode 6 wasn’t about to stop there.

I could toss in Casey Shteamer‘s tear-filled exit where she got (wait for it) Shteam-rolled by Chris Harrison calling her out on still being in love with her ex (or current?) boyfriend back home…but as much of a bitch as I originally thought she was, I actually felt kind of bad for her. She just wants love, man. She just wants love.

That brings us to the kissing coach, Jamie Otis, who brought awkward to a whole new jaw-dropping, hard-as-hell-to-watch level. A level, mind you, we have not yet seen on this show, and if I dare say so myself, that’s one hell of a feat to top – let alone match.

But ya did it, Otis. And you did it well.

Bachelor 16

She's leaning in for a smooch.

Actually, it was done horribly, as Jamie forced the issue regarding her and Ben’s lack of chemistry, as she told Ben she thought of “what she’d like to do” to or with him before she went to bed at night.

I genuinely think Flajnik was reeled in at this point, and saw a new side of Jamie. He would have started to open up, and maybe there could have been something there. But that was before Jamie hit the sanity wall and crashed through with a sad display of some of the sorriest seduction tactics you have ever seen. Pornstars were blushing at the cheesiness of this girl.

First came the lap straddle, which almost ripped Jamie’s dress, let alone could have had her or Ben falling over. Then came the lip assault, which Ben clearly wasn’t ready for.

But the words, the lap mess, and the initial kiss were just buttering us all up for what would end up being our true Crazy of the Week moment. Or moments.

Poor Jamie was prepping us for something we really never thought could happen – an apparent kissing tutorial from a shy, awkward girl who quite possibly has not had a lot of experience in the field.

It went something like this:

We’re going to kiss now. Let’s do closed mouth first. Close, close your mouth. And press your lips together slightly. And gently. Now firm. Now both at the same time. And now against my lips, but right before they touch, smile a little bit so my lips accidentally touch your teeth. Then put the tip of your tongue on my lip, slide it in to touch my front teeth, then back up for a second to pause the kissing to allow the awkward laughter to help us transition to the open mouth kiss. Now when I come in with my mouth open, make sure your mouth is totally closed, to avoid actually completing the open mouth kiss. Better yet, when I go in with my mouth open, right when I see yours is also open, I’ll laugh and close my mouth so you accidentally swallow my tiny little bird lip kiss. Then we’ll rock back and forth in embarrassment and I’ll fall into your shoulder two or three times before we admit that this is the worst kissing attempt or tutorial known to man.

An exaggeration, yes, but only slightly. Check out the video if you missed it. It’s a keeper:

Bachelor Crazy of the Week, Episode 5 | It’s Courtney Robertson Again

Bachelor 16

Skinny dipping is for bitches.

Don’t act like you’re shocked. Believe me, I’m not so biased that I didn’t consider Blakely and a couple others, but ultimately, I just don’t see a single girl from episode five that takes the cake out of our favorite Bachelor 16 cake-eater; Courtney Robertson.

She seems to graduate from a new level of filth each week. Last week it was her sickening manipulation that vaulted her above the rest. This week it’s manipulation + being a douche + being a slut.

She talked golden boy Ben Flajnik into baring all and going skinny dipping in the ocean off the shore of Puerto Rico. And God knows what happened after they were in the water.

I surely don’t want to know.

I had all I could handle just to stomach through the blurred parts, to which I genuinely thank ABC for being a “family” network and keeping us from seeing Courtney (or Ben, for that matter) in the nude.

On top of her disgusting skinny dipping scene (and we’ll put extra emphasis on ‘skinny’), she proceeded to pile on the psycho aspect of her personality, when she made a wish for another girl to be eliminated.

But the WORST part was what prefaced the skinny dipping, when Courtney was creepily waiting on the steps across from Ben’s door.

Add breaking the rules and being a major creeper to her growing list of flaws.

I just cannot stand this girl. If she wins this show…if Ben actually goes all the way and picks her as the winner…I just don’t know if I’ll be able to trust The Bachelor anymore.

I mean, it’s already on shaky ground. Ali and Roberto. I mean, come on. Jake and Vienna. Let’s get real. Ashley and J.P. Seriously…

I cannot take another one of these doucher crazy balls bouncing all the way to the end and getting the damn ring.

Courtney Robertson is a complulsive manipulator who is out to win the game. She is boring. She is one of the ugliest models I’ve ever seen.

She. Looks. Like. Russell. Brand.

How is this happening? How is she still on a friggin’ DATING show where a dude is trying to find his wife? How?

Let’s see here….if you can bare with me…Courtney Robertson is…

- a total bitch

- boring

- one of the ugliest models we’ve ever seen

- oily

- conniving

- manipulative

- russell brand’s twin

- way too skinny

- evil

- creepy

- a cheater

I mean, do I have to go on?

I used to have hope that her evil ways would die down eventually, especially when she was so much in Ben’s favor that no one else was that much of a threat.

But that’s how we know her psychosis has taken on a mind of it’s own. When she herself admits routinely that she has nothing to worry about, that the other girls don’t know how to get it done, and that she’s “winning”.

But then she still flails around this SHIT.

Yes, Courtney is totally cool, calm, and collected, everyone. She’s a model, hot, and super, super interesting.

That’s why she has to tear down the other girls, steal Ben away when others are talking to him one-on-one, literally manipulate Ben into “reassuring her” with a rose before the rose ceremony, and coaxing him into the ocean with her scrawny, naked body.

Oh, and creepily waits by his door with wine and just a robe as if she’s so much the shit that it couldn’t in any way come off as horribly desperate and clingy.

Yeah, she’s got it all figured out.

Bachelor Episode 4 Crazy of the Week | Courtney Robertson

The Bachelor

Oh, I can TOTALLY see how she's a model...

Generally I like to choose someone who really loses their shit on The Bachelor, whether it’s rambling about absolute nonsense, losing their mind in complete hysterics, over-analyzing everything, or getting themselves lost in a deep, dark tunnel of insanity.

And to be honest, The Bachelor rarely disappoints. But episode 4 brought us a whole new brand of crazy, as the ever-present Courtney Robertson unleashed full-blown bitch mode WHILE also putting her man-manipulating skills and ability to break other people down in an instant on full display.

And while she wasn’t a big hot mess, crying and sobbing herself to sleep with a wine glass in hand, she did hold a wine glass pretty much the entire night, and she did qualify for our Crazy of the Week.

Courtney has been no stranger to sny remarks, cold taunts, and rubbing roses in the other girls’ faces. But she took it to a whole new level this week when she told the camera she was going to “get a rose”, and then proceeded to literally manipulate Ben into giving her a rose that he admitted was going to go to someone else.

Here’s a quick glimpse of what you would have seen in episode 4. Some of her quotes are just perfect:

I know what you’re thinking – sooner or later you’re going to run out of “crazies” to pick from, as the further this thing goes, our buddy Ben Flajnik will weed out the weakies and keep the smart, beautiful, classy, and well, un-crazy ladies around.

But I’m not so sure.

Ben appears to be head over heels over this whack job, and even when Emily O’Brien tried to tell him straight up (cue Paula Abdul music now) that Courtney is “different around other people than she is around Ben”, he merely tells her talking badly about someone else could ultimately “lead to her own demise”.

Translation: You be trippin’. Don’t tell me the model is a bitch when I totally want her more than anyone else on this show, even though she looks like Russell Brand, talks like an ant eater, is pure evil, conniving, and has broader shoulders than Sylvester Stallone. I like you, we had a great date and conquered the bridge, but you’re just one of my “toppies”. You’ll make it far, but you can’t. touch. the. model. She is sublime and I won’t be convinced otherwise. Don’t fuck this up for me.

Boom. Nailed it.

So, in a sense, Flajnik almost wins joint-crazy of the week, simply because he completely ignored Emily’s cries for sanity – and also the fact that he somehow gets through dates with Courtney, you know, AT ALL.

She is boring as hell. She is Skeletor meets Kate Moss meets Russell Brand meets Richard Simmons meets Vienna (another favorite Bachelor douche)….meets Randy Newman. But I doubt she can play piano.

To sum it up, this is week one of Courtney Robertson raising the Crazy of the Week trophy high above her oblong head, and I do fear that it will not be the last. But dear God, I hope I’m wrong.

Bachelor 16 Episode 3 Crazy of the Week | The Fainter

The Bachelor

Ring a Round the Rosy...

We said a sorry good-bye to our favorite Bachelor “crazy” last week when The Over Analyst, Jenna Burke, was cut from the show.

But a whole new breed of crazy was born in episode three, when Erika “Fainty” Uhlig goes all comatose on us as Ben is preparing to hand out the final rose. It comes down to Fainty, Melty Butter Face (Jaclyn Swartz), and the girl who came in and wrecked everyone’s shit – Shawntel Newton.

So, one rose to rule them all, and Erika can’t handle her shit. Shawntel is nervous, but outwardly seems pretty calm, while Jaclyn is just really letting the butter drip during this one. The intensity is too much for even the casual observer, but it’s really too much for Erika, who starts her one-foot-two-foot-one-foot-two-foot slow-stepped journey into crazy-ville almost immediately after Ben Flajnik starts talking.

You get to see her really hit a wall when Monica get selected, and the writing is on the wall.

Ohhhhh shit. It starts at 5:22, folks. The sadness enters…and, well, just watch from there. Also, hit some nice key times noted below.

(Get a load of Russell Brand at 3:06)

(4:38 marks the new Scale System we now love)

The best part is actually when Ben guides “Fainty” out of the room and into the bedroom to rest while he and the girls do a toast to the next episode. The room where fainty is in while this is happening is literally three feet away from the toast in progress. Just awesome.

All in all, Erika may not be “crazy” but considering it was just episode three and she barely knew Benjia, we’ll call her fainting/passing out a slight over-reaction.

Jenna Burke, The Over Analyzer “Is Not a Girl”

The Over Analyzer

There ain't no over analyzing this.

On the second episode of Bachelor 16 we said good-bye to a character that we genuinely hoped and prayed would last until the end – Jenna Burke, The Over Analyzer.

Alas, no ball of crazy wound up this tight ever had a snowball’s chance in hell in getting to episode three. We knew it, but we didn’t want to accept it. In fact, we nearly pulled a Burke and over-analyzed it. But we kept our crazy to ourself, accepted her for who she was, and bid her adieu.

But before we actually wave her off, we must extend a half-assed Bachelor Rant high-five, as Burke gets our first (and only) “Crazy of the Week” award for the second time. In a f-ing ROW!.

Unbelievable, I know, but beyond her getting axed in the second episode without Ben even blinking, she really revved up the crazy mobile in this one. And then took about 20 laps around the track.

Most of you recall Burke’s awkward initial conversation with Ben, which was just bad. And then her theatrics with some of the girls that ensued just pushed her over the top. Don’t get us wrong – we loved it. But she was just too much, and it had to be pointed out.

But it didn’t stop with one episode. No, folks, her craziness was not of the fluky matter. Instead, she had the opportunity of another one-on-one with Ben, and blew it as bad as anyone could have possibly blown it.

Aside from the awkward pauses, awful body language, and tense facial expressions, the only words that meant anything at all that anyone could make out just happened to be…”I’m not a girl”.

Now, we know Burke is a girl. But, well, for a dude filtering through 25 beautiful women and trying to find anything to separate them to make those difficult rose decisions just a tad bit easier, well Jenna, you made that one real easy.

The saddest part is we get the feeling our favorite little Over Analyzer will be thinking about (and over-analyzing) this one for a while.

Meet Jenna Burke, The Over-Analyst

The Over Analyst

She's a big bowl of crazy, this one.

We know every single week on the Bachelor won’t warrant a “Crazy of the Week” column, but the first episode of Bachelor 16 certainly begged for it.

The beauty (or irony) actually falls with this week’s girl on display, Jenna Burke, who is a New York blogger who writes for The Over Analyst, and proceeded to over-analyze every aspect of her time with Ben (and without him) in the first episode. She herself said the title of her blog explained her approach to life and certain situations, and she certainly didn’t disappoint us, fully living up to her blog and self-proclaimed title.

In her own words regarding her persona as an over analyzer - “I enjoy analyzing. It’s one of the things people may consider a problem, yet it’s one of the things I really like to do. I think it makes us more interesting and leads us to new discoveries. Overanalyzing happens because you really have a deep interest in learning about life, the good and the bad. I embrace my desires, I feel inspired and I witness the beauty.”

Well said, Jenna. But I’m not sure what played out in episode one is exactly what you were aiming for.

Everyone who watches the Bachelor programs knows that every season of every show has at least one ‘crazy’ who takes things too seriously, goes over the top, over reacts, or, well you know, over analyzes.

And with Burke, we have our Bachelor Season 16 winner.

But I’m not going to try to run my mouth and make her into a raging psycho. No, she does that well enough on her own. She gets the ball rolling from the get-go with an awkward-as-hell meet and greet with Ben, but it really gets dicey at the start of this awesome clip of the cocktail party:

Oh, and Ben passed her on to episode two. Enjoy.