So, IMDb Apparently Hates The Bachelor More Than You Do

Chris Harrison gives none of the fucks.

The extremely and excruciatingly low ratings IMDb keeps giving the The Bachelor has always been a bit of a mystery. With a show spanning almost 20 seasons, has aired for more than a decade and STILL has steady ratings and a viewership between 8-9 million, it doesn’t make any sense that IMDb ratings for the Bachelor brand ranges between 2-4 stars.

So, why are the ratings so low? Well, firstly, you need to understand what IMDb is and how it works. IMDb is a site that rates movies and TV programs. Currently it is the number one choice GLOBALLY to get your movie and TV reviews from. IMDb works on a system where all members (membership is free; you just have to register) can give their personal vote/review in the form of stars – one being the worst and ten being the best. And in the words of IMDb themselves: “We take all individual votes cast…the rating displayed on a film’s page is a weighted average.”

That generally makes good sense. Plus it’s a very fair system; by the people for the people, right? Not quite. This is where things get weird. That “weighted average” that sounded so great a minute ago, is not what you think at all. In fact, no-one knows what it actually means! When IMDb was asked to define “weighted average”, their response was: “A weighted average means that some votes have more weight than others in our calculations.”

What IMDb is basically saying is that some of their member’s opinions matter more than others! How is this hierarchy decided and how is it managed? Once again, IMDb is avoiding real answers and simply takes in a very defensive stance. The one thing IMDb didn’t count on is the fact that not everyone is total idiot.  I mean, logically, if the 8-9 million Bachelor viewers all voted and all their votes counted equally as much as any other, the rating would be much higher.

So, naturally, someone had the guts to query the system: “I made my own calculations and the rating for movie or show XYZ should be 7.7, not 4.3! What gives?” Their response was very mature and straightforward. In fact, the answer was so transparent that we now all understand the way IMDb’s ratings work… Or not. “We do not disclose our rating/weighting scheme so you can’t possibly know what the weighted rating should be. Please remember that the rating is weighted – it’s not the arithmetic mean value of the votes.”

All I’m hearing is “blah-blah-blah, our system makes no mathematical sense, has no rhyme or reason and is very subjective – you cannot trust our opinion”. So, what’s the real reason for Bachelor’s low ratings? Only IMDb knows, and they’re not telling.

That, or Chris Soules really brought this ship down.

Ben Higgins and the Most Boring Bachelors Ever

It's a whole new type of suck!

Sean Lowe, eat your heart out. Ben Higgins has been named the 20th The Bachelor and we’re all fidgeting in our seats anticipating the boredom that lies ahead.

He actually even received the following advice on live television: “Don’t be as boring as Chris Soules and just don’t be Juan Pablo.”

Tall. Order.

Let’s hope he takes the advice to heart, because I think we can all agree that Juan Pablo is the worst Bachelor of all time and that there have been more than a few Bachelors that’s summa cum lauded their B.com in Boring degree. Let’s take a quick look at those who made us catch the most z’s:

Charlie O’Connell, Season 7

His brother is famous!

This is probably the most ironic name on this list. As the brother of a famous actor and a self-professed struggling actor, no-one would have guessed that we would struggle to stay awake during this hunk of boring’s search for love. It seemed that not even Charlie himself could deal with it all and had to keep things interesting by…well…constantly drinking. Apparently the drinking was also why the relationship between him and his final rose, Sarah Brice, eventually ended.

Andy Baldwin, Season 10

Not to be confused as any of the entertaining Baldwin brothers! The only perk about this Bachelor was the amount of time he had to spend in uniform on the show. The rest of the time we were all trying our best not to doze off before the rose ceremony. With Andy’s history it’s not hard to see why this season took a big nose-dive off a cliff. He grew up in Amish country, was a valedictorian student, enrolled in the navy and then graduated as a naval doctor that later won a humanitarian award. If you think this sound a bit like a prince that just stepped out of a Disney movie, you’re not wrong. But its worth mentioning that no-one watched Cinderella for Prince Eric.

Jake Pavelka, Season 14

Where do we begin with Jake Pavelka? At first he was a Bachelor fan favorite (everything nice, with sugar and spice) and then he turned into this crazy narcissist that couldn’t even change someone’s opinion about him on the show, H8R. Subsequently he had a little toddler tantrum about that as well. The worst quote he received during his stint as the Bachelor was that “it would be more exciting watching paint dry”. Maybe if he was his narcissistic self, the season would have been more entertaining.

Chris Soules, Season 19

And the winner as the ultimate boring Bachelor is Chris Soules! Or as people around the globe now refer to him; “the boring farmer”.

He's got nothing to say.

Some hardcore Chris fans are defending his dreariness by saying that Chris isn’t boring; he just got overwhelmed by the crazy and chaotic behavior of the women. Well, the sad fact is Chris; people would’ve stopped tuning in a loooooong time ago if it wasn’t for the crazy and chaotic behavior of the women. The most sensation we got out of this season was what happened during the break-up (a mere two months after the cameras were switched off).

The 5 Most Scandalous Bachelor Moments of All Time

Happily Ever...oh, right.

There’s a reason why we keep tuning into The Bachelor even after 19 seasons. Not only are we gripped by all the girls competing for their happily-ever-after, but we keep watching due to the fact that the show is constantly riddled with drama and surprises that not even the producers could’ve predicted.

For more than a decade we have followed the journey of various Bachelors and Bachelorettes and they have all had their own unique and unexpected twists, but there are a few of these scandalous moments that definitely outrank some of the others. We have gathered the 5 most scandalous Bachelor moments of all time!

The Melissa vs. Molly Saga

Who could ever forget this historic Bachelor moment?! We all sat shocked as we watched Jason dump Melissa on live television, and then continue with a declaration of love to Molly, asking her to give him another chance. Even after all these years’ people are still struggling to make peace with it; why would Molly take him back?! And how do you justify them being one of the few lasting Bachelor marriages?!

Rozlyn

When you go onto reality TV declaring that you are there in search of the love of your life, it’s only natural to spend as much time as possible…alone…in the dark… with one of the producers of the show – right? Yes, Chris Harrison also didn’t buy that, and Rozlyn (as well as her producer “friend”) was sent packing. The only thing more ridiculous than what happened is that she still denies the affair to this day! Pssst, Rozlyn! Reality TV means cameras everywhere.

The Fantasy Suite Nickname

We all know that one of the unspoken rules of the Bachelor is that what happens in the Fantasy Suite stays in the Fantasy Suite. Unfortunately for Ed, Jillian didn’t adhere to this code. She wouldn’t go into details of what happened behind those closed doors, but lovingly gave him the nickname E.D. Now no one can say his name without thinking about his “out-of-order-tools”.

Brad rejected BOTH

Brad is probably one of the most loved Bachelors as well as the Bachelor who has received the most airtime and opportunities to find love without ANY success. We still can’t figure out if he simply has really bad luck or if the guy is just too picky when not even the two final ladies (he chose!) made the Brad cut.

Jake & Vienna

Imagine you saw your best friends last week and they were the happiest couple you knew. Now imagine a week later and they are getting a divorce and can’t even be in the same room with one another without friends and family having to restrain them.


GIFSoup

This is pretty much how millions of viewers felt as they stared incredulously at their TV screens, whilst sweet Jake turned into an aggressive and verbally abusive douchebag and Vienna was reduced to an apocalyptic meltdown case…on live TV.

The Bachelor Episode 5 Review: Is Tierra Licausi the New Courtney Robertson?

Nah, she doesn't look crazy at all.

I’m not really going to go start to finish and review The Bachelor like most sites. For one, I just flat-out don’t have the time and energy to fully submerse my being into what figures to be at least 33 minutes of exact name research to nail down the people, dates, and all the information needed to get you a nice, cut Reader’s Digest issue of what happened last night.

You saw it, I saw it, and now we’re here to mourn the two hours we lost on Monday night, while also excitedly preparing for Tuesday night’s special rebuttal episode, with noose and preferably a sharp red wine in hand. Either hand, I don’t give a shit.

First things first: That Tierra Licausi chick – she’s a crazy bitch. Sure, our pals at the Bach’ know how to work a story and the cameras, and her ridiculous cackling after the last black girl is sent home (yeah, I said it) is probably overdone just a scorch. But that doesn’t mean she hasn’t lost her marbles. I think we all have every reason to think that she’s a manipulative sociopath on the scale of one seemingly untouchable Courtney Robertson, and whether or not she actually digs boring Sean, it’s getting increasingly more obvious that she takes more joy in seeing other girls go than her actually getting to stay.

Here’s the tough part for me. It’s got to be just an insurmountable task to find a crazier chick that what Robertson was last season, right? Well, I think ABC found one. She’s not a model or as fit, but she’s got an imprint of what looks like a lego in her forehead. Combine that with her Big Foot jaw and it’s impossible for Sean to look past her, right?

Ah, but all of that’s not enough. She also has to be an emotional train wreck that steals Sean whenever he’s with another girl, sneaks up on a group date like a major creeper when she’s already been guaranteed a two-on-one sit down, and squeeze the emotion out of the even dullest moments.

Her crazy meter had me at the fall down the stairs:

She broke all her bones but she was OK.

It was bullshit from the word go, and assuming she’s the shaky lady in the trailer for the next Bachelor episode (it has to be her, right?), then I’m going out on a limb and saying she’s reeaaallly close to taking it one step too far.

But that’s from my perspective, in my house, chained to the couch as I watch the show with my wife.

Shawn, on the other hand, sees her ever so buttery batch of crazy as bullshit “I know what you’re going through, I’ve been there” stress and emotion. Just like Ben Flajnik before him, Shawn is caught up in a woman’s infatuation in him, as well as his own in her. Personally, I don’t see it. Tierra Licausi is basically a rounder, more annoying Courtney, and there just isn’t much upside.

In that same breath, I can’t decide if it’s Tierra or the whiney chicks who go and semi-complain about her to Shawn that I hate more.

“Sean, some of these bitches be crazy. But I can’t tell you which one or why or when. I can’t take it. But I can’t tell you what I can’t take, or why I feel a certain way or when I feel that way. All I can say is that this is a dating show, I’m a girl, and I’m bat shit crazy” – Every damn girl on the show

But as much as I’ve had to complain about, I guess it’s at least making this show worth watching again. Because before Tierra Licausi emerged as the new Crazy, this installment of The Bachelor was severely lacking when it comes to a story-line.

She HATES drama.

Bachelor 16 Drinking Game | Episode 4

Bachelor 16

Wine is Ben's drink of choice, naturally.

The fourth episode of Bachelor Season 16 is upon us, as Ben Flajnik continues his journey for his wife through a sea of dental hygienists and sales associates.

The good thing is that he already cut a ton of drama and uglies with the three-fold dumping of Shawntel Newton, Erika Uhlig, and Jaclyn Swartz. As depressing as they all were last week and just in general, I find it equally depressing that I remember all three of their names without leaning on tape or past articles. That’s how far my anti-obsession with this show has gone.

However, as eye-opening as my new knowledge is, the best part truly is the fact that you can get drunk and laugh even harder at this show with our new Bachelor Drinking Games. Last week I begged you all to join me in taking a shot or a chug of your favorite brew every time Ben used his coined phrase, “Near and dear to my heart”.

To all of our dismay, he didn’t say the catch phrase ONCE in episode three, after saying it numerous times through the first two weeks. But I’m not giving up.

I encourage you – the boyfriend trying to earn brownie points, the husband with no spine, the friend with nothing better to do – to grab your favorite drink, and have at it again.

This time, we’re not putting all of our eggs in one basket, though. We’ll add one more key phrase to the lot, and see if we can’t pass out on the couch before our lady friend turns on a recorded copy (or seven) of Real Housewives or (cross your ingers) Say Yes to the Dress.

At least it wouldn’t be Gold Rush, right?

But I digress. Obviously we’re rolling with Ben’s favorite line “Near and dear to my heart” this week. Every time he says said phrase, you drink. And then you cross your fingers that he says it again. And again. And again.

And the other phrase to watch for (drumroll)…

Is any phrase involving “the right reasons“. So many of these girls wine and gossip about being there “for Ben” and “for the right reasons”, while complaining that others girls aren’t.

So, sit on the edge of your seat and watch for these phrases. Just make sure you have a drink ready to roll with.

Oh, and while you’re watching, try not thinking of Russell Brand every time you see that Courtney chick. Just think of her with a beard. Now ya got it…

Bachelor Episode 3 Mystery Girl is Shawntel Newton, and Nobody Cares

Bachelor

Yes, she's as boring as she looks.

That chick in the red dress that ABC wouldn’t show you in episode three trailers, you know, the one with the question mark on her face in articles all across the internet – yeah, that was Shawntel Newton.

I know, I don’t care either, but if you wanted some useless info, she was on Bachelor 15 with Brad and is/was a funeral director. Awesome gig, and mad props for her making it onto two Bachelor seasons (in a row, mind you), but I still don’t truly know who she is, or really give a shit about her.

Still, it was at least mildly disappointing to see her leave before she ever truly came. That’s right, ABC hyped us up like they always do – a big, dramatic tease – only for the genuine Ben to make the right call, and send Brad’s sloppy seconds back home to go take care of some dead people.

I don’t know what’s more depressing, appearing on two bullshit “reality” love shows, or getting eliminated from two reality love shows. I guess, in the end, just like Shawntel Newton, it just doesn’t matter.

 

The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 3 Drinking Game | “Near and Dear to My Heart”

The Bachelor 16

You guessed it, he holds that shirt near and dear to his heart.

We noted in our Bachelor 16 Episode 2 Review that our good ol’ pal Ben Frajnik says the phrase “near and dear to my heart” like, a lot. A lot as in, a shit ton. It’s getting to the point where it’s painful to hear it.

It’s partially painful because we actually kind of like Ben. He’s a genuine dude that fell in love with that Ashlee chic (Ashley, Ashli, Ashleyieieieei. I don’t care anymore) had his heart broken, and told her what was up instead of sugar coating it with “you’re the best. you’re awesome. you’re nice” ABC horse shit.

He is a real, rugged, wine-drinking dude. And we like him. We want to like him. But since we don’t actually watch the show he’s on by choice (thanks, hun), we also want to get drunk. Fast.

So, in an odd way, this new drinking game we’ve created (which we would LOVE for you to join in on) is all thanks to Benji (yeah, we’re still calling him that).

So play along. With Ben and us. Have your shots ready and in hand, and slam it back every time our favorite Bachelor says those increasingly annoying and sappy words – “near and dear to my heart”.

Tell your friends and spread the joy. Something tells me there will be a lot of sleep overs when The Bachelor’s third episode of Season 16 airs on Monday night.

Bachelor 16 Episode 2 Review | A Case of the Crazies

Bachelor 16

She says she's "blessed". Yeah, with a good doctor.

Season 16 of The Bachelor really is wasting no time unleashing the crazies. Just when you think it’s safe to sit back with your wife who is forcing you to watch the show and not at all worry about spitting up red juice on your white couch – well, shit.

Truth be told, this year’s ladies have a major case of the crazies, and they vary in levels and intensity. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Without video footage to aid my cause, the second episode of the newest season starts harmless enough, as our main man Ben Flajnik has a nice date with “the baton girl” and then brings all the women to his hometown, and shows them all how down to earth he is.

And he repeats the phrase “near and dear to my heart” about a billion times. Seriously, watch the episode in it’s entirety and count how many times he says it. It’s probably closer to 5 or 6, but you’ll probably agree that’s at least 2-3 more times than anyone should say it. Ever.

PAUSE.

I feel like we’re going down that “I will defend your honor” road of trash again. But hopefully it doesn’t go that far. Then again, we have quite a few episodes to go. In fact, we’ll make a mental note, and if Ben gets out of control with this new phrase of his, we’ll make a widget tracking how many times he says it. Then maybe we can all make a drinking game of it.

GAME ON (Wayne’s World. yes!)

Okay, so Ben has a neat idea (or the Bachelor producers did) to have all the ladies perform in a play written by some master playwrights…who turn out to be a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds with braids and braces.

But in all seriousness, it actually made for a great start to the show, and was actually pretty hilarious. Mostly because it put several of the women in awkward positions, as the ladies had to “audition” in front of Ben, the other girls, and all the kids before they knew what their parts in the play would be.

One of the best parts was when renowned bitch and “stage five clinger” Blakeley had to run in slow motion on stage, whilst trying to keep her previously purposefully protruding boobies from popping out. Awkward, and whether you believe it or not, kind of gross.

For the true effect of this part of the episode, you’ll just have to see the video clip (which we’ll upload asap at the bottom of the article), but I’ll tell you that the actual play they put on is two parts embarrassing and two parts hilarious.

Bachelor 16

She doesn't look like a bitch, but she totally is, bro. She totally is.

After the play ended, Ben had two more private dates, both of which were pretty boring, although it was painful to watch him fall for the boring as hell model (Courtney Roberts) who did not refrain at all from telling Ben how awesome she is for dating an actor and photographer. As if anyone gives a rotting shit about the jobs of dudes she dated.

Courtney is the girl Ben deemed a “very pretty girl” when they first met, and appears to be head over heels for.

But the beauty of this chick came before she even got her date, when another contestant had to read her date card aloud in front of everyone, and after learning she was getting that cherished “one on one” she asked the girl how it “tasted coming out of her mouth”. The nerve, right? I know. I’m a dude and I wanted to a drop a “c u next tuesday”. And that’s what I get for sitting and watching Real-Housewives-of-anything with my wife.

But I digress.

Just when you thought this episode couldn’t get any more mentally draining, Blakeley Shea, the Hooters girl (literally) who was rubbing off bitchiness as if she were a snake shedding her skin, continued to steal Benji (yeah, we call him that) away from girls who hadn’t yet had time alone with him EVEN THOUGH SHE ALREADY GOT A ROSE ON HER DATE.

W. T. Mother. F.

So, hand her a well-deserved bitch card, because in the collective wording (in a way) of all the girls there, that was incredibly out of bounds and simply not called for. Naturally, this rubbed our favorite “crazy” from last week Jenna Burke the wrong way, and sparked that over-analyzing gene in her we all love so much to go bouncing off the walls in her obviously vice-gripped brain. Which, of course, offered more devilish entertainment for every man being forced to watch the show until it climaxed with the rose ceremony.

And if you missed it, The Over Analyzer was inevitably the big name to fall in this one, offering a tearful and flat-out depressing good-bye, along with a girl no one even knows or cares to remember. We’ll call her Sue.

Welcome to BachelorRant.com!

Bachelor 16

Good luck Benji. Can we call you Benji?

Welcome to Bachelor Rant, where it’s all Bachelor, all the time. We know that slogan is cliche’, but that’s actually not our slogan. But even if it were, it’d perfectly align with how cliche’ the Bachelor always is.

Whether you love the show, the new bachelor, bachelorette, or those sickies that call themselves “singles” that bang each other on the Bachelor Pad, this blog is for you. Sort of. If you love the show, you might find some of what we say to be offensive. But if you’re laid back, you’ll just flat-out agree with our take on each show, the bachelor/bachelorette at hand, and especially the people trying to win their respective hearts.

This blog starts with the 16th season of Bachelor, as Ben Flajnik returns to be the main dude that endures 25 gorgeous crazies in an attempt to find true love when the show comes to an end.

We’ll join him on his journey, and as soon as it’s over, we’ll look ahead to the Bachelorette and the Bachelor Pad, because we know where these shows are, drama, crazy, and hilarity ensue.

But before we dive into what happened in episode one of Bachelor 16, let’s take a look at our buddy Ben’s heart-breaking good-bye in the last season of the Bachelorette, when Ashlee chose J.P. over our favorite wine expert:

That bitch.