The Bachelor 2013: Who is the Next Bachelor?

The Bachelor

Not this fucking guy.

And you thought Ben Flajnik was a bore fest. It appears the rumors swirling for months are true, and 2012 Bachelorette loser Sean Lowe is looking to be the 2013 Bachelor.

I know he comes off as a nice guy and his family was pretty low-key and accepting during Emily’s season, but am I the only one that finds him incredibly boring?

Probably, since ABC is bringing him in as their next dude to date 20 odd chicks to see if one is good enough to pretend to want to marry until breaking up with her a week after the finale airs.

I’m not excited about Lowe being the guy, but I won’t lie and say I’m not going to watch. The female contestants always make it interesting and my wife beats me if I don’t watch.

If it means anything, my pick would be that Mike guy who won Bachelor Pad. I thought it was awesome how he kept the entire $250,000. Pretty damn cruel, but also insanely awesome. And we all thought he was just muscles. That’s what The Bachelor really needs. An honest muscle guy and common nothing man who isn’t afraid to look like a real schmuck. You’ll know if the girls truly like you or not if they can look past that. That, or they’re really into getting their hands on some of that fat $250k coin. Probably the latter.

Dude, Ben Flajnik is Kind of a Dick

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His face after I called him a dick.

I don’t mean to step on Bachelor toes, but is anyone else seeing a little bit of douche pour on out of our boy, Ben Flajnik?

Don’t get me wrong, the brutal honesty he displayed a the conclusion of the Bachelorette and continued on into the 16th season of The Bachelor is accepted. Hell, it’s appreciated.

From opening up about his dad and whatever is “near and dear to his heart”, to sitting Samantha down a couple episodes and shipping her off because “he didn’t feel it”, you have to respect how the guy doesn’t waste his or anyone else’s time.

But when Emily O’Brien tried for the second time to shows Flajnik how huge of a psychopath his model crush Courtney Robertson is, he simply wouldn’t have it – for the second time.

The first time O’Brien spoke up about Robertson, Ben merely said to watch what she says about other people, or it could “lead to her demise”. This time, he upped the ante.

O’Brien opened their brief one-on-one session together by saying she wanted to focus just on her and Ben, and wouldn’t talk about Courtney anymore. That lasted about five seconds, as she once again opened up about Courtney’s craziness around the girls when she is away from Ben.

Granted, I can see how Ben would be annoyed by Emily talking shit like this, but I think we can all agree Emily isn’t being a desperate douche. She’s simply calling it likes she sees it.

And while we can respect Ben’s defense for Courtney to an extent, his cold words to Emily were not just uncalled for, but they also might have been a little eye-opening.

The phrases “Drop it” and “Tread lightly” come to mind, as Ben was cold and direct when countering Emily’s claims.

I don’t even think I’m trying to be funny in this post, folks. Ben went from likable dude who was honest and genuine, to total model monger with a hatred for the unbridled truth.

He simply does not want to hear that Courtney’s shit stinks.

The trailer for the coming episodes alludes to Ben at least opening up to the possibility that Courtney isn’t perfect, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

The Bachelor’s Courtney Robertson Looks Like Russell Brand

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It's all in the eyes, really.

Obviously it’s just a joke, but with Russell Brand and Katy Perry no longer an item, it wouldn’t be completely off base for the brit star to try going after a new “partner” this early, would it?

I didn’t think so, either. While there’s no way Russell Brand and Bachelor 16 “model” Courtney Robertson are the same person or even the same sex, the similarities are striking.

Here’s a picture of the girl in question, Courtney. See if you don’t see what we’re seeing:

Russell Brand look a like

The female Russell Brand, folks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Think we nailed it or are way off base? Comment below. Got another Bachelor 16 look-a-like? Let us know!

Ben’s Kiss Can Save the World

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His kiss shall only be used for good...

Ben Flajnik is magical. He’s dreamy. He’s genuine. He is, if you choose to believe it, a real-life damn super hero.

Truth be told, Ben was on a date with Emily O’Brien, which ended up being a nerving jaunt up a bridge. Naturally, Emily was deathly afraid of heights – as was Ben, supposedly – and the two struggled to get to the top.

Editor’s note: the camera angles alone told just about everyone viewing that this climb was no easy task. I almost shat my pants just watching.

But really, it looked pretty frightening and understandably, it looked as though Emily’s dreamy date with Ben would end in embarrassment. But, as Ben put it, with Emily scared out of her mind and the two of them stuck in the middle of the bridge, he did all he could, and kissed her.

From that kiss on, Emily was empowered with the strength of a thousand men, had a whole different kind of “butterflies” and never looked back as she triumphed over the climb to the very tippy top of the bridge. It’s this awesome power of Ben’s kiss that had us thinking: if Ben’s kiss can eliminate a woman’s fear of heights and make her completely forget about the possibility of a certain death-plunge into the water below (or the sea of cars. that, too, would suck.), then what can’t Ben’s kiss do?

Here’s a quick list of some things we have a feeling Ben could solve with just one kiss:

Ben’s kiss could stop another bad Nicolas Cage movie from happening.

Ben’s kiss could add another 13 days to a Kim Kardashian marriage.

Ben’s kiss could make Clay Aiken hot and straight. Possibly still gay, though, too.

Ben’s kiss could make LeBron James clutch in the 4th quarter.

Ben’s kiss could make Nickelback an actually good band.

Ben’s kiss could make Sarah Palin smart.

Ben’s kiss could make Tim Tebow an accurate NFL quarterback.

What else, pray tell, could Ben’s kiss do? The possibilities are endless.

New 1-10 Scale Created on Bachelor | Throwing Up Takes 10′s Spot

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Still not buttery enough for my liking.

My favorite “boy that face reminds me of a well drizzled tub of theater popcorn” Bachelor girl is gone.

Jaclyn Swartz, or Melty Butter Face, as I like to call her, finally got eliminated in episode three, where she, along with newcomer Shawntel Newton and semi-retard Erika Uhlig (her name even sounds gross) were all eliminated. But let’s not dwell on a tripod of disgust. This post is all about the ever shiny, glimmery, wet, and classically boring Swartz.

Let’s just be honest; her signing-off episode had simply been a process set in motion since day one. But still, while I pumped my fists in joy that she had at long last been cast aside off the full-speed-ahead train that is The Bachelor, I wanted to also stop and thank her for changing the way the rest of us look at life. Or, at least, the way we rate situations and how we feel about them.

That’s right, Melty Butter Face completely changed the way we’ll look at our personal “rating on a scale of 1-10″ measurements for the rest of our lives.

Upon learning that Shawntel Newton would be taking part in the rose ceremony for the third episode, melty butter face really margerined-up the entire show for a moment by saying, “On a scale of 1-10, I want to throw up”. Perfection. I couldn’t have summed it up better myself.

On a scale of 1-10, Jaclyn Swartz’s face is over-cooked to shit. With a touch of an entire stick of butter. Or three.