Bachelor Episode 4 Crazy of the Week | Courtney Robertson

The Bachelor

Oh, I can TOTALLY see how she's a model...

Generally I like to choose someone who really loses their shit on The Bachelor, whether it’s rambling about absolute nonsense, losing their mind in complete hysterics, over-analyzing everything, or getting themselves lost in a deep, dark tunnel of insanity.

And to be honest, The Bachelor rarely disappoints. But episode 4 brought us a whole new brand of crazy, as the ever-present Courtney Robertson unleashed full-blown bitch mode WHILE also putting her man-manipulating skills and ability to break other people down in an instant on full display.

And while she wasn’t a big hot mess, crying and sobbing herself to sleep with a wine glass in hand, she did hold a wine glass pretty much the entire night, and she did qualify for our Crazy of the Week.

Courtney has been no stranger to sny remarks, cold taunts, and rubbing roses in the other girls’ faces. But she took it to a whole new level this week when she told the camera she was going to “get a rose”, and then proceeded to literally manipulate Ben into giving her a rose that he admitted was going to go to someone else.

Here’s a quick glimpse of what you would have seen in episode 4. Some of her quotes are just perfect:

I know what you’re thinking – sooner or later you’re going to run out of “crazies” to pick from, as the further this thing goes, our buddy Ben Flajnik will weed out the weakies and keep the smart, beautiful, classy, and well, un-crazy ladies around.

But I’m not so sure.

Ben appears to be head over heels over this whack job, and even when Emily O’Brien tried to tell him straight up (cue Paula Abdul music now) that Courtney is “different around other people than she is around Ben”, he merely tells her talking badly about someone else could ultimately “lead to her own demise”.

Translation: You be trippin’. Don’t tell me the model is a bitch when I totally want her more than anyone else on this show, even though she looks like Russell Brand, talks like an ant eater, is pure evil, conniving, and has broader shoulders than Sylvester Stallone. I like you, we had a great date and conquered the bridge, but you’re just one of my “toppies”. You’ll make it far, but you can’t. touch. the. model. She is sublime and I won’t be convinced otherwise. Don’t fuck this up for me.

Boom. Nailed it.

So, in a sense, Flajnik almost wins joint-crazy of the week, simply because he completely ignored Emily’s cries for sanity – and also the fact that he somehow gets through dates with Courtney, you know, AT ALL.

She is boring as hell. She is Skeletor meets Kate Moss meets Russell Brand meets Richard Simmons meets Vienna (another favorite Bachelor douche)….meets Randy Newman. But I doubt she can play piano.

To sum it up, this is week one of Courtney Robertson raising the Crazy of the Week trophy high above her oblong head, and I do fear that it will not be the last. But dear God, I hope I’m wrong.

Bachelor 16 Drinking Game | Episode 4

Bachelor 16

Wine is Ben's drink of choice, naturally.

The fourth episode of Bachelor Season 16 is upon us, as Ben Flajnik continues his journey for his wife through a sea of dental hygienists and sales associates.

The good thing is that he already cut a ton of drama and uglies with the three-fold dumping of Shawntel Newton, Erika Uhlig, and Jaclyn Swartz. As depressing as they all were last week and just in general, I find it equally depressing that I remember all three of their names without leaning on tape or past articles. That’s how far my anti-obsession with this show has gone.

However, as eye-opening as my new knowledge is, the best part truly is the fact that you can get drunk and laugh even harder at this show with our new Bachelor Drinking Games. Last week I begged you all to join me in taking a shot or a chug of your favorite brew every time Ben used his coined phrase, “Near and dear to my heart”.

To all of our dismay, he didn’t say the catch phrase ONCE in episode three, after saying it numerous times through the first two weeks. But I’m not giving up.

I encourage you – the boyfriend trying to earn brownie points, the husband with no spine, the friend with nothing better to do – to grab your favorite drink, and have at it again.

This time, we’re not putting all of our eggs in one basket, though. We’ll add one more key phrase to the lot, and see if we can’t pass out on the couch before our lady friend turns on a recorded copy (or seven) of Real Housewives or (cross your ingers) Say Yes to the Dress.

At least it wouldn’t be Gold Rush, right?

But I digress. Obviously we’re rolling with Ben’s favorite line “Near and dear to my heart” this week. Every time he says said phrase, you drink. And then you cross your fingers that he says it again. And again. And again.

And the other phrase to watch for (drumroll)…

Is any phrase involving “the right reasons“. So many of these girls wine and gossip about being there “for Ben” and “for the right reasons”, while complaining that others girls aren’t.

So, sit on the edge of your seat and watch for these phrases. Just make sure you have a drink ready to roll with.

Oh, and while you’re watching, try not thinking of Russell Brand every time you see that Courtney chick. Just think of her with a beard. Now ya got it…

Bachelor 16 Episode 3 Crazy of the Week | The Fainter

The Bachelor

Ring a Round the Rosy...

We said a sorry good-bye to our favorite Bachelor “crazy” last week when The Over Analyst, Jenna Burke, was cut from the show.

But a whole new breed of crazy was born in episode three, when Erika “Fainty” Uhlig goes all comatose on us as Ben is preparing to hand out the final rose. It comes down to Fainty, Melty Butter Face (Jaclyn Swartz), and the girl who came in and wrecked everyone’s shit – Shawntel Newton.

So, one rose to rule them all, and Erika can’t handle her shit. Shawntel is nervous, but outwardly seems pretty calm, while Jaclyn is just really letting the butter drip during this one. The intensity is too much for even the casual observer, but it’s really too much for Erika, who starts her one-foot-two-foot-one-foot-two-foot slow-stepped journey into crazy-ville almost immediately after Ben Flajnik starts talking.

You get to see her really hit a wall when Monica get selected, and the writing is on the wall.

Ohhhhh shit. It starts at 5:22, folks. The sadness enters…and, well, just watch from there. Also, hit some nice key times noted below.

(Get a load of Russell Brand at 3:06)

(4:38 marks the new Scale System we now love)

The best part is actually when Ben guides “Fainty” out of the room and into the bedroom to rest while he and the girls do a toast to the next episode. The room where fainty is in while this is happening is literally three feet away from the toast in progress. Just awesome.

All in all, Erika may not be “crazy” but considering it was just episode three and she barely knew Benjia, we’ll call her fainting/passing out a slight over-reaction.

The Bachelor’s Courtney Robertson Looks Like Russell Brand

Bachelor 16

It's all in the eyes, really.

Obviously it’s just a joke, but with Russell Brand and Katy Perry no longer an item, it wouldn’t be completely off base for the brit star to try going after a new “partner” this early, would it?

I didn’t think so, either. While there’s no way Russell Brand and Bachelor 16 “model” Courtney Robertson are the same person or even the same sex, the similarities are striking.

Here’s a picture of the girl in question, Courtney. See if you don’t see what we’re seeing:

Russell Brand look a like

The female Russell Brand, folks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Think we nailed it or are way off base? Comment below. Got another Bachelor 16 look-a-like? Let us know!

Ben’s Kiss Can Save the World

Bachelor 16

His kiss shall only be used for good...

Ben Flajnik is magical. He’s dreamy. He’s genuine. He is, if you choose to believe it, a real-life damn super hero.

Truth be told, Ben was on a date with Emily O’Brien, which ended up being a nerving jaunt up a bridge. Naturally, Emily was deathly afraid of heights – as was Ben, supposedly – and the two struggled to get to the top.

Editor’s note: the camera angles alone told just about everyone viewing that this climb was no easy task. I almost shat my pants just watching.

But really, it looked pretty frightening and understandably, it looked as though Emily’s dreamy date with Ben would end in embarrassment. But, as Ben put it, with Emily scared out of her mind and the two of them stuck in the middle of the bridge, he did all he could, and kissed her.

From that kiss on, Emily was empowered with the strength of a thousand men, had a whole different kind of “butterflies” and never looked back as she triumphed over the climb to the very tippy top of the bridge. It’s this awesome power of Ben’s kiss that had us thinking: if Ben’s kiss can eliminate a woman’s fear of heights and make her completely forget about the possibility of a certain death-plunge into the water below (or the sea of cars. that, too, would suck.), then what can’t Ben’s kiss do?

Here’s a quick list of some things we have a feeling Ben could solve with just one kiss:

Ben’s kiss could stop another bad Nicolas Cage movie from happening.

Ben’s kiss could add another 13 days to a Kim Kardashian marriage.

Ben’s kiss could make Clay Aiken hot and straight. Possibly still gay, though, too.

Ben’s kiss could make LeBron James clutch in the 4th quarter.

Ben’s kiss could make Nickelback an actually good band.

Ben’s kiss could make Sarah Palin smart.

Ben’s kiss could make Tim Tebow an accurate NFL quarterback.

What else, pray tell, could Ben’s kiss do? The possibilities are endless.

New 1-10 Scale Created on Bachelor | Throwing Up Takes 10′s Spot

Bachelor 16

Still not buttery enough for my liking.

My favorite “boy that face reminds me of a well drizzled tub of theater popcorn” Bachelor girl is gone.

Jaclyn Swartz, or Melty Butter Face, as I like to call her, finally got eliminated in episode three, where she, along with newcomer Shawntel Newton and semi-retard Erika Uhlig (her name even sounds gross) were all eliminated. But let’s not dwell on a tripod of disgust. This post is all about the ever shiny, glimmery, wet, and classically boring Swartz.

Let’s just be honest; her signing-off episode had simply been a process set in motion since day one. But still, while I pumped my fists in joy that she had at long last been cast aside off the full-speed-ahead train that is The Bachelor, I wanted to also stop and thank her for changing the way the rest of us look at life. Or, at least, the way we rate situations and how we feel about them.

That’s right, Melty Butter Face completely changed the way we’ll look at our personal “rating on a scale of 1-10″ measurements for the rest of our lives.

Upon learning that Shawntel Newton would be taking part in the rose ceremony for the third episode, melty butter face really margerined-up the entire show for a moment by saying, “On a scale of 1-10, I want to throw up”. Perfection. I couldn’t have summed it up better myself.

On a scale of 1-10, Jaclyn Swartz’s face is over-cooked to shit. With a touch of an entire stick of butter. Or three.

Bachelor Episode 3 Mystery Girl is Shawntel Newton, and Nobody Cares

Bachelor

Yes, she's as boring as she looks.

That chick in the red dress that ABC wouldn’t show you in episode three trailers, you know, the one with the question mark on her face in articles all across the internet – yeah, that was Shawntel Newton.

I know, I don’t care either, but if you wanted some useless info, she was on Bachelor 15 with Brad and is/was a funeral director. Awesome gig, and mad props for her making it onto two Bachelor seasons (in a row, mind you), but I still don’t truly know who she is, or really give a shit about her.

Still, it was at least mildly disappointing to see her leave before she ever truly came. That’s right, ABC hyped us up like they always do – a big, dramatic tease – only for the genuine Ben to make the right call, and send Brad’s sloppy seconds back home to go take care of some dead people.

I don’t know what’s more depressing, appearing on two bullshit “reality” love shows, or getting eliminated from two reality love shows. I guess, in the end, just like Shawntel Newton, it just doesn’t matter.

 

The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 3 Drinking Game | “Near and Dear to My Heart”

The Bachelor 16

You guessed it, he holds that shirt near and dear to his heart.

We noted in our Bachelor 16 Episode 2 Review that our good ol’ pal Ben Frajnik says the phrase “near and dear to my heart” like, a lot. A lot as in, a shit ton. It’s getting to the point where it’s painful to hear it.

It’s partially painful because we actually kind of like Ben. He’s a genuine dude that fell in love with that Ashlee chic (Ashley, Ashli, Ashleyieieieei. I don’t care anymore) had his heart broken, and told her what was up instead of sugar coating it with “you’re the best. you’re awesome. you’re nice” ABC horse shit.

He is a real, rugged, wine-drinking dude. And we like him. We want to like him. But since we don’t actually watch the show he’s on by choice (thanks, hun), we also want to get drunk. Fast.

So, in an odd way, this new drinking game we’ve created (which we would LOVE for you to join in on) is all thanks to Benji (yeah, we’re still calling him that).

So play along. With Ben and us. Have your shots ready and in hand, and slam it back every time our favorite Bachelor says those increasingly annoying and sappy words – “near and dear to my heart”.

Tell your friends and spread the joy. Something tells me there will be a lot of sleep overs when The Bachelor’s third episode of Season 16 airs on Monday night.

Jenna Burke, The Over Analyzer “Is Not a Girl”

The Over Analyzer

There ain't no over analyzing this.

On the second episode of Bachelor 16 we said good-bye to a character that we genuinely hoped and prayed would last until the end – Jenna Burke, The Over Analyzer.

Alas, no ball of crazy wound up this tight ever had a snowball’s chance in hell in getting to episode three. We knew it, but we didn’t want to accept it. In fact, we nearly pulled a Burke and over-analyzed it. But we kept our crazy to ourself, accepted her for who she was, and bid her adieu.

But before we actually wave her off, we must extend a half-assed Bachelor Rant high-five, as Burke gets our first (and only) “Crazy of the Week” award for the second time. In a f-ing ROW!.

Unbelievable, I know, but beyond her getting axed in the second episode without Ben even blinking, she really revved up the crazy mobile in this one. And then took about 20 laps around the track.

Most of you recall Burke’s awkward initial conversation with Ben, which was just bad. And then her theatrics with some of the girls that ensued just pushed her over the top. Don’t get us wrong – we loved it. But she was just too much, and it had to be pointed out.

But it didn’t stop with one episode. No, folks, her craziness was not of the fluky matter. Instead, she had the opportunity of another one-on-one with Ben, and blew it as bad as anyone could have possibly blown it.

Aside from the awkward pauses, awful body language, and tense facial expressions, the only words that meant anything at all that anyone could make out just happened to be…”I’m not a girl”.

Now, we know Burke is a girl. But, well, for a dude filtering through 25 beautiful women and trying to find anything to separate them to make those difficult rose decisions just a tad bit easier, well Jenna, you made that one real easy.

The saddest part is we get the feeling our favorite little Over Analyzer will be thinking about (and over-analyzing) this one for a while.

Bachelor 16 Episode 2 Review | A Case of the Crazies

Bachelor 16

She says she's "blessed". Yeah, with a good doctor.

Season 16 of The Bachelor really is wasting no time unleashing the crazies. Just when you think it’s safe to sit back with your wife who is forcing you to watch the show and not at all worry about spitting up red juice on your white couch – well, shit.

Truth be told, this year’s ladies have a major case of the crazies, and they vary in levels and intensity. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Without video footage to aid my cause, the second episode of the newest season starts harmless enough, as our main man Ben Flajnik has a nice date with “the baton girl” and then brings all the women to his hometown, and shows them all how down to earth he is.

And he repeats the phrase “near and dear to my heart” about a billion times. Seriously, watch the episode in it’s entirety and count how many times he says it. It’s probably closer to 5 or 6, but you’ll probably agree that’s at least 2-3 more times than anyone should say it. Ever.

PAUSE.

I feel like we’re going down that “I will defend your honor” road of trash again. But hopefully it doesn’t go that far. Then again, we have quite a few episodes to go. In fact, we’ll make a mental note, and if Ben gets out of control with this new phrase of his, we’ll make a widget tracking how many times he says it. Then maybe we can all make a drinking game of it.

GAME ON (Wayne’s World. yes!)

Okay, so Ben has a neat idea (or the Bachelor producers did) to have all the ladies perform in a play written by some master playwrights…who turn out to be a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds with braids and braces.

But in all seriousness, it actually made for a great start to the show, and was actually pretty hilarious. Mostly because it put several of the women in awkward positions, as the ladies had to “audition” in front of Ben, the other girls, and all the kids before they knew what their parts in the play would be.

One of the best parts was when renowned bitch and “stage five clinger” Blakeley had to run in slow motion on stage, whilst trying to keep her previously purposefully protruding boobies from popping out. Awkward, and whether you believe it or not, kind of gross.

For the true effect of this part of the episode, you’ll just have to see the video clip (which we’ll upload asap at the bottom of the article), but I’ll tell you that the actual play they put on is two parts embarrassing and two parts hilarious.

Bachelor 16

She doesn't look like a bitch, but she totally is, bro. She totally is.

After the play ended, Ben had two more private dates, both of which were pretty boring, although it was painful to watch him fall for the boring as hell model (Courtney Roberts) who did not refrain at all from telling Ben how awesome she is for dating an actor and photographer. As if anyone gives a rotting shit about the jobs of dudes she dated.

Courtney is the girl Ben deemed a “very pretty girl” when they first met, and appears to be head over heels for.

But the beauty of this chick came before she even got her date, when another contestant had to read her date card aloud in front of everyone, and after learning she was getting that cherished “one on one” she asked the girl how it “tasted coming out of her mouth”. The nerve, right? I know. I’m a dude and I wanted to a drop a “c u next tuesday”. And that’s what I get for sitting and watching Real-Housewives-of-anything with my wife.

But I digress.

Just when you thought this episode couldn’t get any more mentally draining, Blakeley Shea, the Hooters girl (literally) who was rubbing off bitchiness as if she were a snake shedding her skin, continued to steal Benji (yeah, we call him that) away from girls who hadn’t yet had time alone with him EVEN THOUGH SHE ALREADY GOT A ROSE ON HER DATE.

W. T. Mother. F.

So, hand her a well-deserved bitch card, because in the collective wording (in a way) of all the girls there, that was incredibly out of bounds and simply not called for. Naturally, this rubbed our favorite “crazy” from last week Jenna Burke the wrong way, and sparked that over-analyzing gene in her we all love so much to go bouncing off the walls in her obviously vice-gripped brain. Which, of course, offered more devilish entertainment for every man being forced to watch the show until it climaxed with the rose ceremony.

And if you missed it, The Over Analyzer was inevitably the big name to fall in this one, offering a tearful and flat-out depressing good-bye, along with a girl no one even knows or cares to remember. We’ll call her Sue.