She says she's "blessed". Yeah, with a good doctor.
Season 16 of The Bachelor really is wasting no time unleashing the crazies. Just when you think it’s safe to sit back with your wife who is forcing you to watch the show and not at all worry about spitting up red juice on your white couch – well, shit.
Truth be told, this year’s ladies have a major case of the crazies, and they vary in levels and intensity. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Without video footage to aid my cause, the second episode of the newest season starts harmless enough, as our main man Ben Flajnik has a nice date with “the baton girl” and then brings all the women to his hometown, and shows them all how down to earth he is.
And he repeats the phrase “near and dear to my heart” about a billion times. Seriously, watch the episode in it’s entirety and count how many times he says it. It’s probably closer to 5 or 6, but you’ll probably agree that’s at least 2-3 more times than anyone should say it. Ever.
I feel like we’re going down that “I will defend your honor” road of trash again. But hopefully it doesn’t go that far. Then again, we have quite a few episodes to go. In fact, we’ll make a mental note, and if Ben gets out of control with this new phrase of his, we’ll make a widget tracking how many times he says it. Then maybe we can all make a drinking game of it.
GAME ON (Wayne’s World. yes!)
Okay, so Ben has a neat idea (or the Bachelor producers did) to have all the ladies perform in a play written by some master playwrights…who turn out to be a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds with braids and braces.
But in all seriousness, it actually made for a great start to the show, and was actually pretty hilarious. Mostly because it put several of the women in awkward positions, as the ladies had to “audition” in front of Ben, the other girls, and all the kids before they knew what their parts in the play would be.
One of the best parts was when renowned bitch and “stage five clinger” Blakeley had to run in slow motion on stage, whilst trying to keep her previously purposefully protruding boobies from popping out. Awkward, and whether you believe it or not, kind of gross.
For the true effect of this part of the episode, you’ll just have to see the video clip (which we’ll upload asap at the bottom of the article), but I’ll tell you that the actual play they put on is two parts embarrassing and two parts hilarious.
She doesn't look like a bitch, but she totally is, bro. She totally is.
After the play ended, Ben had two more private dates, both of which were pretty boring, although it was painful to watch him fall for the boring as hell model (Courtney Roberts) who did not refrain at all from telling Ben how awesome she is for dating an actor and photographer. As if anyone gives a rotting shit about the jobs of dudes she dated.
Courtney is the girl Ben deemed a “very pretty girl” when they first met, and appears to be head over heels for.
But the beauty of this chick came before she even got her date, when another contestant had to read her date card aloud in front of everyone, and after learning she was getting that cherished “one on one” she asked the girl how it “tasted coming out of her mouth”. The nerve, right? I know. I’m a dude and I wanted to a drop a “c u next tuesday”. And that’s what I get for sitting and watching Real-Housewives-of-anything with my wife.
But I digress.
Just when you thought this episode couldn’t get any more mentally draining, Blakeley Shea, the Hooters girl (literally) who was rubbing off bitchiness as if she were a snake shedding her skin, continued to steal Benji (yeah, we call him that) away from girls who hadn’t yet had time alone with him EVEN THOUGH SHE ALREADY GOT A ROSE ON HER DATE.
W. T. Mother. F.
So, hand her a well-deserved bitch card, because in the collective wording (in a way) of all the girls there, that was incredibly out of bounds and simply not called for. Naturally, this rubbed our favorite “crazy” from last week Jenna Burke the wrong way, and sparked that over-analyzing gene in her we all love so much to go bouncing off the walls in her obviously vice-gripped brain. Which, of course, offered more devilish entertainment for every man being forced to watch the show until it climaxed with the rose ceremony.
And if you missed it, The Over Analyzer was inevitably the big name to fall in this one, offering a tearful and flat-out depressing good-bye, along with a girl no one even knows or cares to remember. We’ll call her Sue.