Holy Shit, Bachelor Rant is Still a Site and Kirk Sucks

Voted least likely to be named next Bachelor.

I thought for sure this website would crater into oblivion with the long list of sites my brother and I have built and left for dead over the years. But this one is here, standing ever so gingerly on its one good leg.

Who knows how long it will last, but I’m back for at least this post, that’s for sure. Mostly to inform you that I’m shocked this website is still up and about the same amount of surprised that The Bachelor is still a thing.

When we last left you Sean Lowe was The Bachelor and we ran out of interesting observations to throw up all over the inter webs. Then came some more Bachelors and Bachelorettes and truth be told, we just stopped watching when that sleazy Juan Pablo got his own show. Cuz, geez.

We did start up again in this past season’s Bachelors in Paradise, though, and really, there was an insane amount of material to work with. Color me lazy, but I just didn’t put my feelings into type.

And instead of re-hashing that entire show while its no longer relevant in any way, I’ll leave you with this: Kirk Dewindt was a total dick. He knows it, you know it, Carly sure as hell knows it.

But I don’t even mean to be “calling him out” necessarily. What he did is what tons of guys do. He liked the girl, he got comfortable, and then PLANS happened. I don’t doubt for a second that Kirk genuinely, 100% was into Carly. I would bet he was even right there with Carly when she started talking about kids and shit.

But reality can be a real summa bitch. Kirk had an awakening near the end of the show that this was for realzies and he couldn’t take it. I don’t think he suddenly didn’t like/love Carly, but I don’t think he was prepared for anything long-term, either.

Few of these people are. That’s why there needs to be some actual restrictions or guidelines on these Bachelor Pad type shows. All of these people are taking a damn vacation where they can soak up the sun, bang random hot people and drink and eat whatever they want, whenever they want.

Where the hell in that equation does LOVE factor in? There is hardly any room for it at all. You show up to an island with beautiful people, food and great weather (although it actually looked hot as balls there the entire time) and you’re supposed to SETTLE DOWN?

I think not. The show is a farce and the people all have something else on the side before they even agree to the damn thing.

That being said, one relationship stood the test of the show – it seems – and it was nice to see Jade and Tanner couple up for good. He proposed, she said yes and all the sweat dripping off of his body told us two things – for real, it was hot as hell there, and dude meant that shit.

In summary, Kirk is probably just a normal dude who really liked a girl and then got scared and it just happened to get CAUGHT ON FUCKING NATIONAL TELEVISION. Also, he MAY have been freaked out by her weird “rose is just a rose” song. Yeah.

So much more can be said about Kirk, Joe, Mikey, every Ashley and so many other people, but that’s all in the past. The future is bright, chock full of horrid people on sex-filled islands or trying to win someone’s heart on a different type of show. And we MIGHT be around to enjoy it with you.

Bachelor 16 Drinking Game | Episode 4

Bachelor 16

Wine is Ben's drink of choice, naturally.

The fourth episode of Bachelor Season 16 is upon us, as Ben Flajnik continues his journey for his wife through a sea of dental hygienists and sales associates.

The good thing is that he already cut a ton of drama and uglies with the three-fold dumping of Shawntel Newton, Erika Uhlig, and Jaclyn Swartz. As depressing as they all were last week and just in general, I find it equally depressing that I remember all three of their names without leaning on tape or past articles. That’s how far my anti-obsession with this show has gone.

However, as eye-opening as my new knowledge is, the best part truly is the fact that you can get drunk and laugh even harder at this show with our new Bachelor Drinking Games. Last week I begged you all to join me in taking a shot or a chug of your favorite brew every time Ben used his coined phrase, “Near and dear to my heart”.

To all of our dismay, he didn’t say the catch phrase ONCE in episode three, after saying it numerous times through the first two weeks. But I’m not giving up.

I encourage you – the boyfriend trying to earn brownie points, the husband with no spine, the friend with nothing better to do – to grab your favorite drink, and have at it again.

This time, we’re not putting all of our eggs in one basket, though. We’ll add one more key phrase to the lot, and see if we can’t pass out on the couch before our lady friend turns on a recorded copy (or seven) of Real Housewives or (cross your ingers) Say Yes to the Dress.

At least it wouldn’t be Gold Rush, right?

But I digress. Obviously we’re rolling with Ben’s favorite line “Near and dear to my heart” this week. Every time he says said phrase, you drink. And then you cross your fingers that he says it again. And again. And again.

And the other phrase to watch for (drumroll)…

Is any phrase involving “the right reasons“. So many of these girls wine and gossip about being there “for Ben” and “for the right reasons”, while complaining that others girls aren’t.

So, sit on the edge of your seat and watch for these phrases. Just make sure you have a drink ready to roll with.

Oh, and while you’re watching, try not thinking of Russell Brand every time you see that Courtney chick. Just think of her with a beard. Now ya got it…

Welcome to BachelorRant.com!

Bachelor 16

Good luck Benji. Can we call you Benji?

Welcome to Bachelor Rant, where it’s all Bachelor, all the time. We know that slogan is cliche’, but that’s actually not our slogan. But even if it were, it’d perfectly align with how cliche’ the Bachelor always is.

Whether you love the show, the new bachelor, bachelorette, or those sickies that call themselves “singles” that bang each other on the Bachelor Pad, this blog is for you. Sort of. If you love the show, you might find some of what we say to be offensive. But if you’re laid back, you’ll just flat-out agree with our take on each show, the bachelor/bachelorette at hand, and especially the people trying to win their respective hearts.

This blog starts with the 16th season of Bachelor, as Ben Flajnik returns to be the main dude that endures 25 gorgeous crazies in an attempt to find true love when the show comes to an end.

We’ll join him on his journey, and as soon as it’s over, we’ll look ahead to the Bachelorette and the Bachelor Pad, because we know where these shows are, drama, crazy, and hilarity ensue.

But before we dive into what happened in episode one of Bachelor 16, let’s take a look at our buddy Ben’s heart-breaking good-bye in the last season of the Bachelorette, when Ashlee chose J.P. over our favorite wine expert:

That bitch.