Bachelor Episode 6 Crazy of the Week | Scrapbooking vs. Kissing Coach

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Close, but no cigar.

It took me until about the final 30 minutes of this one, but I finally found this week’s Crazy of the Week. Blakely Shea¬†initially won the trophy by getting real sentimental with Ben in their one-on-one time during their two-on-one date.

They could have talked about past relationships, Blakeley’s boobs, Ben’s mounting sweat, or you know, anything. Instead Blakeley thought it’d be best to share her not-crazy-at-all scrap-book she made about her and Ben.

The scrap-book included words and names and all sorts of heart-felt images. Unfortunately, ABC took the high road on this one, and we really only saw it’s contents for about 20 seconds at a time. Ben’s face during the unveiling probably said it all, but one has to wonder just how long into this experience Flajnik got before he thought, “…and…you’re going home...”.

Indeed, Shea was the first to bite the dust, as Ben chose the blonde with less endowment (Rachel Trueheart). Call me crazy, but I get the feeling Blakeley’s ultimate demise had something to do with burying her and Ben’s faces in a FUCKING. SCRAPBOOK.

But I digress.

Because as out of this world crazy as dumping a scrapbook about love, mush, and a bright future with a dude you basically have known for a couple of weeks truly is, episode 6 wasn’t about to stop there.

I could toss in Casey Shteamer‘s tear-filled exit where she got (wait for it) Shteam-rolled by Chris Harrison calling her out on still being in love with her ex (or current?) boyfriend back home…but as much of a bitch as I originally thought she was, I actually felt kind of bad for her. She just wants love, man. She just wants love.

That brings us to the kissing coach, Jamie Otis, who brought awkward to a whole new jaw-dropping, hard-as-hell-to-watch level. A level, mind you, we have not yet seen on this show, and if I dare say so myself, that’s one hell of a feat to top – let alone match.

But ya did it, Otis. And you did it well.

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She's leaning in for a smooch.

Actually, it was done horribly, as Jamie forced the issue regarding her and Ben’s lack of chemistry, as she told Ben she thought of “what she’d like to do” to or with him before she went to bed at night.

I genuinely think Flajnik was reeled in at this point, and saw a new side of Jamie. He would have started to open up, and maybe there could have been something there. But that was before Jamie hit the sanity wall and crashed through with a sad display of some of the sorriest seduction tactics you have ever seen. Pornstars were blushing at the cheesiness of this girl.

First came the lap straddle, which almost ripped Jamie’s dress, let alone could have had her or Ben falling over. Then came the lip assault, which Ben clearly wasn’t ready for.

But the words, the lap mess, and the initial kiss were just buttering us all up for what would end up being our true Crazy of the Week moment. Or moments.

Poor Jamie was prepping us for something we really never thought could happen – an apparent kissing tutorial from a shy, awkward girl who quite possibly has not had a lot of experience in the field.

It went something like this:

We’re going to kiss now. Let’s do closed mouth first. Close, close your mouth. And press your lips together slightly. And gently. Now firm. Now both at the same time. And now against my lips, but right before they touch, smile a little bit so my lips accidentally touch your teeth. Then put the tip of your tongue on my lip, slide it in to touch my front teeth, then back up for a second to pause the kissing to allow the awkward laughter to help us transition to the open mouth kiss. Now when I come in with my mouth open, make sure your mouth is totally closed, to avoid actually completing the open mouth kiss. Better yet, when I go in with my mouth open, right when I see yours is also open, I’ll laugh and close my mouth so you accidentally swallow my tiny little bird lip kiss. Then we’ll rock back and forth in embarrassment and I’ll fall into your shoulder two or three times before we admit that this is the worst kissing attempt or tutorial known to man.

An exaggeration, yes, but only slightly. Check out the video if you missed it. It’s a keeper:

Bachelor 16 Episode 2 Review | A Case of the Crazies

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She says she's "blessed". Yeah, with a good doctor.

Season 16 of The Bachelor really is wasting no time unleashing the crazies. Just when you think it’s safe to sit back with your wife who is forcing you to watch the show and not at all worry about spitting up red juice on your white couch – well, shit.

Truth be told, this year’s ladies have a major case of the crazies, and they vary in levels and intensity. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Without video footage to aid my cause, the second episode of the newest season starts harmless enough, as our main man Ben Flajnik has a nice date with “the baton girl” and then brings all the women to his hometown, and shows them all how down to earth he is.

And he repeats the phrase “near and dear to my heart” about a billion times. Seriously, watch the episode in it’s entirety and count how many times he says it. It’s probably closer to 5 or 6, but you’ll probably agree that’s at least 2-3 more times than anyone should say it. Ever.

PAUSE.

I feel like we’re going down that “I will defend your honor” road of trash again. But hopefully it doesn’t go that far. Then again, we have quite a few episodes to go. In fact, we’ll make a mental note, and if Ben gets out of control with this new phrase of his, we’ll make a widget tracking how many times he says it. Then maybe we can all make a drinking game of it.

GAME ON (Wayne’s World. yes!)

Okay, so Ben has a neat idea (or the Bachelor producers did) to have all the ladies perform in a play written by some master playwrights…who turn out to be a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds with braids and braces.

But in all seriousness, it actually made for a great start to the show, and was actually pretty hilarious. Mostly because it put several of the women in awkward positions, as the ladies had to “audition” in front of Ben, the other girls, and all the kids before they knew what their parts in the play would be.

One of the best parts was when renowned bitch and “stage five clinger” Blakeley had to run in slow motion on stage, whilst trying to keep her previously purposefully protruding boobies from popping out. Awkward, and whether you believe it or not, kind of gross.

For the true effect of this part of the episode, you’ll just have to see the video clip (which we’ll upload asap at the bottom of the article), but I’ll tell you that the actual play they put on is two parts embarrassing and two parts hilarious.

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She doesn't look like a bitch, but she totally is, bro. She totally is.

After the play ended, Ben had two more private dates, both of which were pretty boring, although it was painful to watch him fall for the boring as hell model (Courtney Roberts) who did not refrain at all from telling Ben how awesome she is for dating an actor and photographer. As if anyone gives a rotting shit about the jobs of dudes she dated.

Courtney is the girl Ben deemed a “very pretty girl” when they first met, and appears to be head over heels for.

But the beauty of this chick came before she even got her date, when another contestant had to read her date card aloud in front of everyone, and after learning she was getting that cherished “one on one” she asked the girl how it “tasted coming out of her mouth”. The nerve, right? I know. I’m a dude and I wanted to a drop a “c u next tuesday”. And that’s what I get for sitting and watching Real-Housewives-of-anything with my wife.

But I digress.

Just when you thought this episode couldn’t get any more mentally draining, Blakeley Shea, the Hooters girl (literally) who was rubbing off bitchiness as if she were a snake shedding her skin, continued to steal Benji (yeah, we call him that) away from girls who hadn’t yet had time alone with him EVEN THOUGH SHE ALREADY GOT A ROSE ON HER DATE.

W. T. Mother. F.

So, hand her a well-deserved bitch card, because in the collective wording (in a way) of all the girls there, that was incredibly out of bounds and simply not called for. Naturally, this rubbed our favorite “crazy” from last week Jenna Burke the wrong way, and sparked that over-analyzing gene in her we all love so much to go bouncing off the walls in her obviously vice-gripped brain. Which, of course, offered more devilish entertainment for every man being forced to watch the show until it climaxed with the rose ceremony.

And if you missed it, The Over Analyzer was inevitably the big name to fall in this one, offering a tearful and flat-out depressing good-bye, along with a girl no one even knows or cares to remember. We’ll call her Sue.