Bachelor 16 Episode 3 Crazy of the Week | The Fainter

The Bachelor

Ring a Round the Rosy...

We said a sorry good-bye to our favorite Bachelor “crazy” last week when The Over Analyst, Jenna Burke, was cut from the show.

But a whole new breed of crazy was born in episode three, when Erika “Fainty” Uhlig goes all comatose on us as Ben is preparing to hand out the final rose. It comes down to Fainty, Melty Butter Face (Jaclyn Swartz), and the girl who came in and wrecked everyone’s shit – Shawntel Newton.

So, one rose to rule them all, and Erika can’t handle her shit. Shawntel is nervous, but outwardly seems pretty calm, while Jaclyn is just really letting the butter drip during this one. The intensity is too much for even the casual observer, but it’s really too much for Erika, who starts her one-foot-two-foot-one-foot-two-foot slow-stepped journey into crazy-ville almost immediately after Ben Flajnik starts talking.

You get to see her really hit a wall when Monica get selected, and the writing is on the wall.

Ohhhhh shit. It starts at 5:22, folks. The sadness enters…and, well, just watch from there. Also, hit some nice key times noted below.

(Get a load of Russell Brand at 3:06)

(4:38 marks the new Scale System we now love)

The best part is actually when Ben guides “Fainty” out of the room and into the bedroom to rest while he and the girls do a toast to the next episode. The room where fainty is in while this is happening is literally three feet away from the toast in progress. Just awesome.

All in all, Erika may not be “crazy” but considering it was just episode three and she barely knew Benjia, we’ll call her fainting/passing out a slight over-reaction.

New 1-10 Scale Created on Bachelor | Throwing Up Takes 10′s Spot

Bachelor 16

Still not buttery enough for my liking.

My favorite “boy that face reminds me of a well drizzled tub of theater popcorn” Bachelor girl is gone.

Jaclyn Swartz, or Melty Butter Face, as I like to call her, finally got eliminated in episode three, where she, along with newcomer Shawntel Newton and semi-retard Erika Uhlig (her name even sounds gross) were all eliminated. But let’s not dwell on a tripod of disgust. This post is all about the ever shiny, glimmery, wet, and classically boring Swartz.

Let’s just be honest; her signing-off episode had simply been a process set in motion since day one. But still, while I pumped my fists in joy that she had at long last been cast aside off the full-speed-ahead train that is The Bachelor, I wanted to also stop and thank her for changing the way the rest of us look at life. Or, at least, the way we rate situations and how we feel about them.

That’s right, Melty Butter Face completely changed the way we’ll look at our personal “rating on a scale of 1-10″ measurements for the rest of our lives.

Upon learning that Shawntel Newton would be taking part in the rose ceremony for the third episode, melty butter face really margerined-up the entire show for a moment by saying, “On a scale of 1-10, I want to throw up”. Perfection. I couldn’t have summed it up better myself.

On a scale of 1-10, Jaclyn Swartz’s face is over-cooked to shit. With a touch of an entire stick of butter. Or three.

Bachelor Episode 3 Mystery Girl is Shawntel Newton, and Nobody Cares

Bachelor

Yes, she's as boring as she looks.

That chick in the red dress that ABC wouldn’t show you in episode three trailers, you know, the one with the question mark on her face in articles all across the internet – yeah, that was Shawntel Newton.

I know, I don’t care either, but if you wanted some useless info, she was on Bachelor 15 with Brad and is/was a funeral director. Awesome gig, and mad props for her making it onto two Bachelor seasons (in a row, mind you), but I still don’t truly know who she is, or really give a shit about her.

Still, it was at least mildly disappointing to see her leave before she ever truly came. That’s right, ABC hyped us up like they always do – a big, dramatic tease – only for the genuine Ben to make the right call, and send Brad’s sloppy seconds back home to go take care of some dead people.

I don’t know what’s more depressing, appearing on two bullshit “reality” love shows, or getting eliminated from two reality love shows. I guess, in the end, just like Shawntel Newton, it just doesn’t matter.