So, IMDb Apparently Hates The Bachelor More Than You Do

Chris Harrison gives none of the fucks.

The extremely and excruciatingly low ratings IMDb keeps giving the The Bachelor has always been a bit of a mystery. With a show spanning almost 20 seasons, has aired for more than a decade and STILL has steady ratings and a viewership between 8-9 million, it doesn’t make any sense that IMDb ratings for the Bachelor brand ranges between 2-4 stars.

So, why are the ratings so low? Well, firstly, you need to understand what IMDb is and how it works. IMDb is a site that rates movies and TV programs. Currently it is the number one choice GLOBALLY to get your movie and TV reviews from. IMDb works on a system where all members (membership is free; you just have to register) can give their personal vote/review in the form of stars – one being the worst and ten being the best. And in the words of IMDb themselves: “We take all individual votes cast…the rating displayed on a film’s page is a weighted average.”

That generally makes good sense. Plus it’s a very fair system; by the people for the people, right? Not quite. This is where things get weird. That “weighted average” that sounded so great a minute ago, is not what you think at all. In fact, no-one knows what it actually means! When IMDb was asked to define “weighted average”, their response was: “A weighted average means that some votes have more weight than others in our calculations.”

What IMDb is basically saying is that some of their member’s opinions matter more than others! How is this hierarchy decided and how is it managed? Once again, IMDb is avoiding real answers and simply takes in a very defensive stance. The one thing IMDb didn’t count on is the fact that not everyone is total idiot.  I mean, logically, if the 8-9 million Bachelor viewers all voted and all their votes counted equally as much as any other, the rating would be much higher.

So, naturally, someone had the guts to query the system: “I made my own calculations and the rating for movie or show XYZ should be 7.7, not 4.3! What gives?” Their response was very mature and straightforward. In fact, the answer was so transparent that we now all understand the way IMDb’s ratings work… Or not. “We do not disclose our rating/weighting scheme so you can’t possibly know what the weighted rating should be. Please remember that the rating is weighted – it’s not the arithmetic mean value of the votes.”

All I’m hearing is “blah-blah-blah, our system makes no mathematical sense, has no rhyme or reason and is very subjective – you cannot trust our opinion”. So, what’s the real reason for Bachelor’s low ratings? Only IMDb knows, and they’re not telling.

That, or Chris Soules really brought this ship down.

Ben Higgins and the Most Boring Bachelors Ever

It's a whole new type of suck!

Sean Lowe, eat your heart out. Ben Higgins has been named the 20th The Bachelor and we’re all fidgeting in our seats anticipating the boredom that lies ahead.

He actually even received the following advice on live television: “Don’t be as boring as Chris Soules and just don’t be Juan Pablo.”

Tall. Order.

Let’s hope he takes the advice to heart, because I think we can all agree that Juan Pablo is the worst Bachelor of all time and that there have been more than a few Bachelors that’s summa cum lauded their B.com in Boring degree. Let’s take a quick look at those who made us catch the most z’s:

Charlie O’Connell, Season 7

His brother is famous!

This is probably the most ironic name on this list. As the brother of a famous actor and a self-professed struggling actor, no-one would have guessed that we would struggle to stay awake during this hunk of boring’s search for love. It seemed that not even Charlie himself could deal with it all and had to keep things interesting by…well…constantly drinking. Apparently the drinking was also why the relationship between him and his final rose, Sarah Brice, eventually ended.

Andy Baldwin, Season 10

Not to be confused as any of the entertaining Baldwin brothers! The only perk about this Bachelor was the amount of time he had to spend in uniform on the show. The rest of the time we were all trying our best not to doze off before the rose ceremony. With Andy’s history it’s not hard to see why this season took a big nose-dive off a cliff. He grew up in Amish country, was a valedictorian student, enrolled in the navy and then graduated as a naval doctor that later won a humanitarian award. If you think this sound a bit like a prince that just stepped out of a Disney movie, you’re not wrong. But its worth mentioning that no-one watched Cinderella for Prince Eric.

Jake Pavelka, Season 14

Where do we begin with Jake Pavelka? At first he was a Bachelor fan favorite (everything nice, with sugar and spice) and then he turned into this crazy narcissist that couldn’t even change someone’s opinion about him on the show, H8R. Subsequently he had a little toddler tantrum about that as well. The worst quote he received during his stint as the Bachelor was that “it would be more exciting watching paint dry”. Maybe if he was his narcissistic self, the season would have been more entertaining.

Chris Soules, Season 19

And the winner as the ultimate boring Bachelor is Chris Soules! Or as people around the globe now refer to him; “the boring farmer”.

He's got nothing to say.

Some hardcore Chris fans are defending his dreariness by saying that Chris isn’t boring; he just got overwhelmed by the crazy and chaotic behavior of the women. Well, the sad fact is Chris; people would’ve stopped tuning in a loooooong time ago if it wasn’t for the crazy and chaotic behavior of the women. The most sensation we got out of this season was what happened during the break-up (a mere two months after the cameras were switched off).

The 5 Most Scandalous Bachelor Moments of All Time

Happily Ever...oh, right.

There’s a reason why we keep tuning into The Bachelor even after 19 seasons. Not only are we gripped by all the girls competing for their happily-ever-after, but we keep watching due to the fact that the show is constantly riddled with drama and surprises that not even the producers could’ve predicted.

For more than a decade we have followed the journey of various Bachelors and Bachelorettes and they have all had their own unique and unexpected twists, but there are a few of these scandalous moments that definitely outrank some of the others. We have gathered the 5 most scandalous Bachelor moments of all time!

The Melissa vs. Molly Saga

Who could ever forget this historic Bachelor moment?! We all sat shocked as we watched Jason dump Melissa on live television, and then continue with a declaration of love to Molly, asking her to give him another chance. Even after all these years’ people are still struggling to make peace with it; why would Molly take him back?! And how do you justify them being one of the few lasting Bachelor marriages?!

Rozlyn

When you go onto reality TV declaring that you are there in search of the love of your life, it’s only natural to spend as much time as possible…alone…in the dark… with one of the producers of the show – right? Yes, Chris Harrison also didn’t buy that, and Rozlyn (as well as her producer “friend”) was sent packing. The only thing more ridiculous than what happened is that she still denies the affair to this day! Pssst, Rozlyn! Reality TV means cameras everywhere.

The Fantasy Suite Nickname

We all know that one of the unspoken rules of the Bachelor is that what happens in the Fantasy Suite stays in the Fantasy Suite. Unfortunately for Ed, Jillian didn’t adhere to this code. She wouldn’t go into details of what happened behind those closed doors, but lovingly gave him the nickname E.D. Now no one can say his name without thinking about his “out-of-order-tools”.

Brad rejected BOTH

Brad is probably one of the most loved Bachelors as well as the Bachelor who has received the most airtime and opportunities to find love without ANY success. We still can’t figure out if he simply has really bad luck or if the guy is just too picky when not even the two final ladies (he chose!) made the Brad cut.

Jake & Vienna

Imagine you saw your best friends last week and they were the happiest couple you knew. Now imagine a week later and they are getting a divorce and can’t even be in the same room with one another without friends and family having to restrain them.


GIFSoup

This is pretty much how millions of viewers felt as they stared incredulously at their TV screens, whilst sweet Jake turned into an aggressive and verbally abusive douchebag and Vienna was reduced to an apocalyptic meltdown case…on live TV.

Oh No, Nick and Samantha Aren’t Gonna Make It

Samantha and Nick weren't a match? Seriously?

Who even gives any of the shits. Yeah, it was a mild surprise that Samantha Steffern and Nick Peterson stuck with each other at the end of last season’s Bachelor in Paradise, but it really felt like it was just the two of them saving face.

Like, they huddled together before filming wrapped up and were like, “People seem to think we’re pretty shitty and in this for all the wrong reasons. Let’s pretend to actually like each other”.

Consider us fooled. Or we didn’t care at all to begin with. Or most of us didn’t believe you.

And now you’re not together and we care even less. This, coming from the girl who told like five guys she was coming on the show for her, told Joe to do “whatever it takes” to get a rose, then spurned Joe and was extremely touch and go throughout the show.

Congrats, Sam, ya stayed on the island. You’re really good at lying and stuff.

And Nick is the guy who burned his partner for all of the monies back on the final Bachelor Pad, you know, when there was something tangible about this show LIKE FREAKING MONEY.

Regardless of what you believe, it does SEEM like these two were together to some degree after the show, but now they’re not. And nothing has changed, really.

Holy Shit, Bachelor Rant is Still a Site and Kirk Sucks

Voted least likely to be named next Bachelor.

I thought for sure this website would crater into oblivion with the long list of sites my brother and I have built and left for dead over the years. But this one is here, standing ever so gingerly on its one good leg.

Who knows how long it will last, but I’m back for at least this post, that’s for sure. Mostly to inform you that I’m shocked this website is still up and about the same amount of surprised that The Bachelor is still a thing.

When we last left you Sean Lowe was The Bachelor and we ran out of interesting observations to throw up all over the inter webs. Then came some more Bachelors and Bachelorettes and truth be told, we just stopped watching when that sleazy Juan Pablo got his own show. Cuz, geez.

We did start up again in this past season’s Bachelors in Paradise, though, and really, there was an insane amount of material to work with. Color me lazy, but I just didn’t put my feelings into type.

And instead of re-hashing that entire show while its no longer relevant in any way, I’ll leave you with this: Kirk Dewindt was a total dick. He knows it, you know it, Carly sure as hell knows it.

But I don’t even mean to be “calling him out” necessarily. What he did is what tons of guys do. He liked the girl, he got comfortable, and then PLANS happened. I don’t doubt for a second that Kirk genuinely, 100% was into Carly. I would bet he was even right there with Carly when she started talking about kids and shit.

But reality can be a real summa bitch. Kirk had an awakening near the end of the show that this was for realzies and he couldn’t take it. I don’t think he suddenly didn’t like/love Carly, but I don’t think he was prepared for anything long-term, either.

Few of these people are. That’s why there needs to be some actual restrictions or guidelines on these Bachelor Pad type shows. All of these people are taking a damn vacation where they can soak up the sun, bang random hot people and drink and eat whatever they want, whenever they want.

Where the hell in that equation does LOVE factor in? There is hardly any room for it at all. You show up to an island with beautiful people, food and great weather (although it actually looked hot as balls there the entire time) and you’re supposed to SETTLE DOWN?

I think not. The show is a farce and the people all have something else on the side before they even agree to the damn thing.

That being said, one relationship stood the test of the show – it seems – and it was nice to see Jade and Tanner couple up for good. He proposed, she said yes and all the sweat dripping off of his body told us two things – for real, it was hot as hell there, and dude meant that shit.

In summary, Kirk is probably just a normal dude who really liked a girl and then got scared and it just happened to get CAUGHT ON FUCKING NATIONAL TELEVISION. Also, he MAY have been freaked out by her weird “rose is just a rose” song. Yeah.

So much more can be said about Kirk, Joe, Mikey, every Ashley and so many other people, but that’s all in the past. The future is bright, chock full of horrid people on sex-filled islands or trying to win someone’s heart on a different type of show. And we MIGHT be around to enjoy it with you.

The Bachelor 2013: Who is the Next Bachelor?

The Bachelor

Not this fucking guy.

And you thought Ben Flajnik was a bore fest. It appears the rumors swirling for months are true, and 2012 Bachelorette loser Sean Lowe is looking to be the 2013 Bachelor.

I know he comes off as a nice guy and his family was pretty low-key and accepting during Emily’s season, but am I the only one that finds him incredibly boring?

Probably, since ABC is bringing him in as their next dude to date 20 odd chicks to see if one is good enough to pretend to want to marry until breaking up with her a week after the finale airs.

I’m not excited about Lowe being the guy, but I won’t lie and say I’m not going to watch. The female contestants always make it interesting and my wife beats me if I don’t watch.

If it means anything, my pick would be that Mike guy who won Bachelor Pad. I thought it was awesome how he kept the entire $250,000. Pretty damn cruel, but also insanely awesome. And we all thought he was just muscles. That’s what The Bachelor really needs. An honest muscle guy and common nothing man who isn’t afraid to look like a real schmuck. You’ll know if the girls truly like you or not if they can look past that. That, or they’re really into getting their hands on some of that fat $250k coin. Probably the latter.

Bachelor Crazy of the Week, Episode 5 | It’s Courtney Robertson Again

Bachelor 16

Skinny dipping is for bitches.

Don’t act like you’re shocked. Believe me, I’m not so biased that I didn’t consider Blakely and a couple others, but ultimately, I just don’t see a single girl from episode five that takes the cake out of our favorite Bachelor 16 cake-eater; Courtney Robertson.

She seems to graduate from a new level of filth each week. Last week it was her sickening manipulation that vaulted her above the rest. This week it’s manipulation + being a douche + being a slut.

She talked golden boy Ben Flajnik into baring all and going skinny dipping in the ocean off the shore of Puerto Rico. And God knows what happened after they were in the water.

I surely don’t want to know.

I had all I could handle just to stomach through the blurred parts, to which I genuinely thank ABC for being a “family” network and keeping us from seeing Courtney (or Ben, for that matter) in the nude.

On top of her disgusting skinny dipping scene (and we’ll put extra emphasis on ‘skinny’), she proceeded to pile on the psycho aspect of her personality, when she made a wish for another girl to be eliminated.

But the WORST part was what prefaced the skinny dipping, when Courtney was creepily waiting on the steps across from Ben’s door.

Add breaking the rules and being a major creeper to her growing list of flaws.

I just cannot stand this girl. If she wins this show…if Ben actually goes all the way and picks her as the winner…I just don’t know if I’ll be able to trust The Bachelor anymore.

I mean, it’s already on shaky ground. Ali and Roberto. I mean, come on. Jake and Vienna. Let’s get real. Ashley and J.P. Seriously…

I cannot take another one of these doucher crazy balls bouncing all the way to the end and getting the damn ring.

Courtney Robertson is a complulsive manipulator who is out to win the game. She is boring. She is one of the ugliest models I’ve ever seen.

She. Looks. Like. Russell. Brand.

How is this happening? How is she still on a friggin’ DATING show where a dude is trying to find his wife? How?

Let’s see here….if you can bare with me…Courtney Robertson is…

- a total bitch

- boring

- one of the ugliest models we’ve ever seen

- oily

- conniving

- manipulative

- russell brand’s twin

- way too skinny

- evil

- creepy

- a cheater

I mean, do I have to go on?

I used to have hope that her evil ways would die down eventually, especially when she was so much in Ben’s favor that no one else was that much of a threat.

But that’s how we know her psychosis has taken on a mind of it’s own. When she herself admits routinely that she has nothing to worry about, that the other girls don’t know how to get it done, and that she’s “winning”.

But then she still flails around this SHIT.

Yes, Courtney is totally cool, calm, and collected, everyone. She’s a model, hot, and super, super interesting.

That’s why she has to tear down the other girls, steal Ben away when others are talking to him one-on-one, literally manipulate Ben into “reassuring her” with a rose before the rose ceremony, and coaxing him into the ocean with her scrawny, naked body.

Oh, and creepily waits by his door with wine and just a robe as if she’s so much the shit that it couldn’t in any way come off as horribly desperate and clingy.

Yeah, she’s got it all figured out.

Dude, Ben Flajnik is Kind of a Dick

Bachelor 16

His face after I called him a dick.

I don’t mean to step on Bachelor toes, but is anyone else seeing a little bit of douche pour on out of our boy, Ben Flajnik?

Don’t get me wrong, the brutal honesty he displayed a the conclusion of the Bachelorette and continued on into the 16th season of The Bachelor is accepted. Hell, it’s appreciated.

From opening up about his dad and whatever is “near and dear to his heart”, to sitting Samantha down a couple episodes and shipping her off because “he didn’t feel it”, you have to respect how the guy doesn’t waste his or anyone else’s time.

But when Emily O’Brien tried for the second time to shows Flajnik how huge of a psychopath his model crush Courtney Robertson is, he simply wouldn’t have it – for the second time.

The first time O’Brien spoke up about Robertson, Ben merely said to watch what she says about other people, or it could “lead to her demise”. This time, he upped the ante.

O’Brien opened their brief one-on-one session together by saying she wanted to focus just on her and Ben, and wouldn’t talk about Courtney anymore. That lasted about five seconds, as she once again opened up about Courtney’s craziness around the girls when she is away from Ben.

Granted, I can see how Ben would be annoyed by Emily talking shit like this, but I think we can all agree Emily isn’t being a desperate douche. She’s simply calling it likes she sees it.

And while we can respect Ben’s defense for Courtney to an extent, his cold words to Emily were not just uncalled for, but they also might have been a little eye-opening.

The phrases “Drop it” and “Tread lightly” come to mind, as Ben was cold and direct when countering Emily’s claims.

I don’t even think I’m trying to be funny in this post, folks. Ben went from likable dude who was honest and genuine, to total model monger with a hatred for the unbridled truth.

He simply does not want to hear that Courtney’s shit stinks.

The trailer for the coming episodes alludes to Ben at least opening up to the possibility that Courtney isn’t perfect, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

Bachelor Episode 4 Crazy of the Week | Courtney Robertson

The Bachelor

Oh, I can TOTALLY see how she's a model...

Generally I like to choose someone who really loses their shit on The Bachelor, whether it’s rambling about absolute nonsense, losing their mind in complete hysterics, over-analyzing everything, or getting themselves lost in a deep, dark tunnel of insanity.

And to be honest, The Bachelor rarely disappoints. But episode 4 brought us a whole new brand of crazy, as the ever-present Courtney Robertson unleashed full-blown bitch mode WHILE also putting her man-manipulating skills and ability to break other people down in an instant on full display.

And while she wasn’t a big hot mess, crying and sobbing herself to sleep with a wine glass in hand, she did hold a wine glass pretty much the entire night, and she did qualify for our Crazy of the Week.

Courtney has been no stranger to sny remarks, cold taunts, and rubbing roses in the other girls’ faces. But she took it to a whole new level this week when she told the camera she was going to “get a rose”, and then proceeded to literally manipulate Ben into giving her a rose that he admitted was going to go to someone else.

Here’s a quick glimpse of what you would have seen in episode 4. Some of her quotes are just perfect:

I know what you’re thinking – sooner or later you’re going to run out of “crazies” to pick from, as the further this thing goes, our buddy Ben Flajnik will weed out the weakies and keep the smart, beautiful, classy, and well, un-crazy ladies around.

But I’m not so sure.

Ben appears to be head over heels over this whack job, and even when Emily O’Brien tried to tell him straight up (cue Paula Abdul music now) that Courtney is “different around other people than she is around Ben”, he merely tells her talking badly about someone else could ultimately “lead to her own demise”.

Translation: You be trippin’. Don’t tell me the model is a bitch when I totally want her more than anyone else on this show, even though she looks like Russell Brand, talks like an ant eater, is pure evil, conniving, and has broader shoulders than Sylvester Stallone. I like you, we had a great date and conquered the bridge, but you’re just one of my “toppies”. You’ll make it far, but you can’t. touch. the. model. She is sublime and I won’t be convinced otherwise. Don’t fuck this up for me.

Boom. Nailed it.

So, in a sense, Flajnik almost wins joint-crazy of the week, simply because he completely ignored Emily’s cries for sanity – and also the fact that he somehow gets through dates with Courtney, you know, AT ALL.

She is boring as hell. She is Skeletor meets Kate Moss meets Russell Brand meets Richard Simmons meets Vienna (another favorite Bachelor douche)….meets Randy Newman. But I doubt she can play piano.

To sum it up, this is week one of Courtney Robertson raising the Crazy of the Week trophy high above her oblong head, and I do fear that it will not be the last. But dear God, I hope I’m wrong.

The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 3 Drinking Game | “Near and Dear to My Heart”

The Bachelor 16

You guessed it, he holds that shirt near and dear to his heart.

We noted in our Bachelor 16 Episode 2 Review that our good ol’ pal Ben Frajnik says the phrase “near and dear to my heart” like, a lot. A lot as in, a shit ton. It’s getting to the point where it’s painful to hear it.

It’s partially painful because we actually kind of like Ben. He’s a genuine dude that fell in love with that Ashlee chic (Ashley, Ashli, Ashleyieieieei. I don’t care anymore) had his heart broken, and told her what was up instead of sugar coating it with “you’re the best. you’re awesome. you’re nice” ABC horse shit.

He is a real, rugged, wine-drinking dude. And we like him. We want to like him. But since we don’t actually watch the show he’s on by choice (thanks, hun), we also want to get drunk. Fast.

So, in an odd way, this new drinking game we’ve created (which we would LOVE for you to join in on) is all thanks to Benji (yeah, we’re still calling him that).

So play along. With Ben and us. Have your shots ready and in hand, and slam it back every time our favorite Bachelor says those increasingly annoying and sappy words – “near and dear to my heart”.

Tell your friends and spread the joy. Something tells me there will be a lot of sleep overs when The Bachelor’s third episode of Season 16 airs on Monday night.