The Bachelor Episode 5 Review: Is Tierra Licausi the New Courtney Robertson?

Nah, she doesn't look crazy at all.

I’m not really going to go start to finish and review The Bachelor like most sites. For one, I just flat-out don’t have the time and energy to fully submerse my being into what figures to be at least 33 minutes of exact name research to nail down the people, dates, and all the information needed to get you a nice, cut Reader’s Digest issue of what happened last night.

You saw it, I saw it, and now we’re here to mourn the two hours we lost on Monday night, while also excitedly preparing for Tuesday night’s special rebuttal episode, with noose and preferably a sharp red wine in hand. Either hand, I don’t give a shit.

First things first: That Tierra Licausi chick – she’s a crazy bitch. Sure, our pals at the Bach’ know how to work a story and the cameras, and her ridiculous cackling after the last black girl is sent home (yeah, I said it) is probably overdone just a scorch. But that doesn’t mean she hasn’t lost her marbles. I think we all have every reason to think that she’s a manipulative sociopath on the scale of one seemingly untouchable Courtney Robertson, and whether or not she actually digs boring Sean, it’s getting increasingly more obvious that she takes more joy in seeing other girls go than her actually getting to stay.

Here’s the tough part for me. It’s got to be just an insurmountable task to find a crazier chick that what Robertson was last season, right? Well, I think ABC found one. She’s not a model or as fit, but she’s got an imprint of what looks like a lego in her forehead. Combine that with her Big Foot jaw and it’s impossible for Sean to look past her, right?

Ah, but all of that’s not enough. She also has to be an emotional train wreck that steals Sean whenever he’s with another girl, sneaks up on a group date like a major creeper when she’s already been guaranteed a two-on-one sit down, and squeeze the emotion out of the even dullest moments.

Her crazy meter had me at the fall down the stairs:

She broke all her bones but she was OK.

It was bullshit from the word go, and assuming she’s the shaky lady in the trailer for the next Bachelor episode (it has to be her, right?), then I’m going out on a limb and saying she’s reeaaallly close to taking it one step too far.

But that’s from my perspective, in my house, chained to the couch as I watch the show with my wife.

Shawn, on the other hand, sees her ever so buttery batch of crazy as bullshit “I know what you’re going through, I’ve been there” stress and emotion. Just like Ben Flajnik before him, Shawn is caught up in a woman’s infatuation in him, as well as his own in her. Personally, I don’t see it. Tierra Licausi¬†is basically a rounder, more annoying Courtney, and there just isn’t much upside.

In that same breath, I can’t decide if it’s Tierra or the whiney chicks who go and semi-complain about her to Shawn that I hate more.

“Sean, some of these bitches be crazy. But I can’t tell you which one or why or when. I can’t take it. But I can’t tell you what I can’t take, or why I feel a certain way or when I feel that way. All I can say is that this is a dating show, I’m a girl, and I’m bat shit crazy” – Every damn girl on the show

But as much as I’ve had to complain about, I guess it’s at least making this show worth watching again. Because before Tierra Licausi¬†emerged as the new Crazy, this installment of The Bachelor was severely lacking when it comes to a story-line.

She HATES drama.